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Is family relations more important tham friendshios?

Is family relations more important tham friendshios? 3YYKX
Old studies illustrated familial bonds will always be stronger than bonds of friendship. This result shows family relationships are more crucial than friendships. One the one hand, what is obvious is we were born in our family and our parents have raised us. They care very much for us unconditionally and support us physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially. Also they often know our secrets and help us to overcome obstacles in our life, like helping us find new job after losing a job, assisting us in getting over bad relationships, and so on. On the other hand, all people do not have strong ties with their family members and all of us were not born in the families that we need. What is promising is we have the ability to choose friends and make friendships that we need. In addition, American researchers now claim that friends may be more important than family members, especially as we age. They found the valuation of friendships on health and happiness grows as people get older. Also they say friendships keep us from being lonely, but the point is keeping a friendship for a long time takes work. In my humble opinion, having close friends is so significant for us. I do not say family is not as crucial as friends; I am just expressing that if your family members are your friends, you are winner and you have both kinds of relationships at the same time.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Old
studies illustrated familial bonds will always be stronger than bonds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friendship
. This result
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
relationships are more crucial than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friendships
.
Did you mean "on"?
One
the one hand, what is obvious is we
were born
in our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and our parents have raised us. They care
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
much for us
unconditionally
and support us
physically
, mentally,
emotionally
, and
financially
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
know our secrets and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
us to overcome obstacles in our life, like helping us find new job after losing a job, assisting us in getting over
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
relationships, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
On the other hand
, all
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
do not have strong ties with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members and all of us were not born in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
that we need. What is promising is we have the ability to choose
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friendships
that we need.
In addition
, American researchers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
claim that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
may be more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members,
especially
as we age. They found the valuation of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friendships
on health and happiness grows as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
older.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
they say
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friendships
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
us from being lonely,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the point is keeping a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friendship
for a long time takes work. In my humble opinion, having close
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
significant for us. I do not say
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is not as crucial as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
; I am
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
expressing that if your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members are your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
, you are winner and you have both kinds of relationships at the same time.
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IELTS essay Is family relations more important tham friendshios?

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
243 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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