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Is advertising successful at persuading people to buy things?

Is advertising successful at persuading people to buy things? bYP7X
I think there are a lot of people who are persuaded to buy things by advertising. 　For example, speaking of beer, there are a number of beer companies such as "SAPPORO", "ASAHI", and so on. These companies strive to make the best beer, but people don't care much about the small differences among companies. These differences include the taste and price. So companies hire celebrities to create unique advertisements and enphasis good points of them to help people remember their beer. Many people are influenced by more impressive advertisements and stimulated to buy. Not only beer, but also daily necessities are made by a lot of companies, so it is important to make good advertisement and make more money than other companies. For this reason, I think that advertising is successful at persuading people to buy things.
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
are persuaded
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
things by advertising. 　
For example
, speaking of beer, there are a number of beer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
such as
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
SAPPORO
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
,
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
Possible spelling mistake found.
ASAHI
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
strive to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the best beer,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
don't care much about the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
differences among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
. These differences include the taste and price.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
hire celebrities to create unique advertisements and
Possible spelling mistake found.
enphasis
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
points of them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
remember their beer.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are influenced
by more impressive advertisements and stimulated to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
beer,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
daily necessities
are made
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
advertisement and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
more money than other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
.
For this reason
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that advertising is successful at persuading
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
things.
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IELTS essay Is advertising successful at persuading people to buy things?

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
137 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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