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Introduce yourself

Introduce yourself VYP27
Living in a physician’ family, I’ve seen first-hand how doctors dedicate their lives to aiding those around them. Some days, they’re on-call all night; other days, they sit frowning behind their laptops doing research to find better ways to help their patients. But however tiring it is, they always come home with inspiring stories of how they treated their patients. This sense of satisfaction gained from helping patients is exactly why I aspire to become a doctor. My very first voluntary service was a trip to China with the Hear Talk Foundation. There, I witnessed speech therapists, audiologists and ENT doctors working seamlessly together as a team to help underprivileged patients with speech and hearing difficulties. What impressed me, however, wasn’t how effective surgery was in improving the patient’s hearing, but rather how the doctors managed to empathize with the patients and explained to them patiently the benefits of the treatment and soothed their worries. This allowed patients to undergo surgery with peace of mind. I’ve since realized the importance of communication and became very interested in overcoming communication barriers between people. Apart from that, I also enjoy sharing my knowledge and experience with others. As Chairman of my college’s Learning Services Support Team, I was responsible for coordinating my team of tutors to help academically weaker students both in their studies and their school life. Due to COVID-19, we were unable to carry out face-to-face lessons. This posed a great challenge in engaging our mentees to gauge their needs. Fortunately, with my team’s efforts, we enacted the Big Brother Mentorship Scheme, which allowed tutors and mentees to communicate real-time via zoom regularly. Unexpectedly, this proved to be even more effective in helping tutors understand their mentees and help solve their problems efficiently due to a smaller class size. Through this, I’ve learnt that coordination within a team is crucial to its success, and we must constantly adapt our methods to tackle challenges. Plus, I’ve gained invaluable skills in leading under stress and working as a team to solve challenges ahead. Apart from that, I was also part of my school’s Chinese Orchestra. I’ve always found music to be soothing, the changes in rhythm and perfect synchronisation of instruments always makes me feel calm and peaceful. Since my voluntary service to Dabu, China to teach underprivileged children English years ago, I’ve been very interested in how education shapes our next generation. As such, I’ve since paid close attention to related policies, such as changes in our Liberal Studies curriculum. In fact, my friends and I joined a lobbying competition 3 years ago to propose improving this subject through making good use of flipped classrooms and advanced IT. We’re proud to be awarded 1st-runner up for our efforts. During my 2-week shadowing with a local GP, I helped measure patients’ blood pressure, BMI, temperature etc. It was repetitive but knowing that they were essential in determining drug dosages and evaluating their overall health made it much more satisfying. A memorable case was where a hysteric parent rushed in with her child, whose nose has been bleeding for nearly half an hour. The GP immediately helped calm them down, and the doctor was able to stop the bleeding in 5 minutes. The GP later told the patient that he should have pressed against his nasal alar instead of the bony part of his nose, giving the patient a better chance of stopping his nosebleed on his own next time. This impressed upon me that a doctor’s job wasn’t just to treat their patients’ immediate symptoms, but also to build trust with patients and achieve patient education. While I’ve seen that being a doctor requires great perseverance and capability, it is my strong conviction that with my leadership, problem-solving and communication skills, I can better the lives of many as a doctor. Hopefully one day, I’ll be able to treat and comfort patients as my parents now do and be able to tell inspiring stories of my own to my children.
Living in a physician’ family, I’ve
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
first
-hand how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doctors
dedicate their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
to aiding those around them.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
days, they’re on-call all night; other days, they sit frowning behind their laptops doing research to find better ways to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
patients
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
however
tiring it is, they always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
home with inspiring stories of how they treated their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
patients
. This sense of satisfaction gained from helping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
patients
is exactly why I aspire to become a doctor.

My
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
first
voluntary service was a trip to China with the Hear Talk Foundation. There, I witnessed speech therapists, audiologists and
Possible spelling mistake found.
ENT
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doctors
working
seamlessly
together as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
underprivileged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
patients
with speech and hearing difficulties. What impressed me,
however
, wasn’t how effective surgery was in improving the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
patient’s
hearing,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
rather
how the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doctors
managed to empathize with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
patients
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
to them
patiently
the benefits of the treatment and soothed their worries. This
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
patients
to undergo surgery with peace of mind. I’ve since realized the importance of communication and became
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
interested in overcoming communication barriers between
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

Apart from that, I
also
enjoy sharing my knowledge and experience with others. As Chairman of my college’s Learning Services Support
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Team
, I was responsible for coordinating my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
of tutors to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
academically
weaker students both in their studies and their school life. Due to COVID-19, we were unable to carry out face-to-face lessons. This posed a great challenge in engaging our mentees to gauge their needs.
Fortunately
, with my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team’s
efforts, we enacted the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Big
Brother Mentorship Scheme, which
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
tutors and mentees to communicate real-time via zoom
regularly
.
Unexpectedly
, this proved to be even more effective in helping tutors understand their mentees and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
solve their problems
efficiently
due to a smaller
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
size. Through this, I’ve
Possible spelling mistake. 'learnt' is British English.
learnt
that coordination within a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
is crucial to its success, and we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
constantly
adapt our methods to tackle challenges. Plus, I’ve gained invaluable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
in leading under
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and working as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
to solve challenges ahead.

Apart from that, I was
also
part of my school’s Chinese Orchestra. I’ve always found music to be soothing, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in rhythm and perfect
Possible spelling mistake. 'synchronisation' is British English.
synchronisation
of instruments always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
me feel calm and peaceful.

Since my voluntary service to
Possible spelling mistake found.
Dabu
, China to teach underprivileged children English years ago, I’ve been
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
interested in how education shapes our
next
generation. As such, I’ve since paid close attention to related policies, such as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in our Liberal Studies curriculum. In fact, my friends and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
joined
a lobbying competition 3 years ago to propose improving this subject through making
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of flipped classrooms and advanced IT. We’re proud to
be awarded
1st-runner up for our efforts.

During my 2-week shadowing with a local GP, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
measure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
patients’
blood pressure, BMI, temperature etc. It was repetitive
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
knowing that they were essential in determining drug dosages and evaluating their
overall
health made it much more satisfying. A memorable case was where a hysteric parent rushed in with her child, whose nose has been bleeding for
nearly
half an hour. The GP immediately
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
calm them down, and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doctor
was able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
the bleeding in 5 minutes. The GP later
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
told
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
patient
that he should have pressed against his nasal
Possible spelling mistake found.
alar
instead
of the bony part of his nose, giving the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
patient
a better chance of stopping his nosebleed on his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
next
time. This impressed upon me that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doctor’s
job wasn’t
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
to treat their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
patients’
immediate symptoms,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
to build trust with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
patients
and achieve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
patient
education.

While I’ve
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that being a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doctor
requires great perseverance and capability, it is my strong conviction that with my leadership, problem-solving and communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, I can better the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doctor
.
Hopefully
one day, I’ll be able to treat and comfort
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
patients
as my parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
do and be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
inspiring stories of my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
to my children.
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IELTS essay Introduce yourself

Essay
  American English
7 paragraphs
668 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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