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Integrated task : Zebra Mussels | It is better for children to choose job that are similar to their parent jobs?listening exercises •MessageAuthorToefl writting integrated: Britain #1 (permalink) Fri May 29, 2015 21:17 pm Toefl writting integrated: Br

Integrated task: Zebra Mussels | It is better for children to choose job that are similar to their parent jobs? listening exercises •MessageAuthorToefl writting integrated: Britain #1 (permalink) Fri May 29, 2015 21: 17 pm Toefl writting integrated: Br pRD9y
In today's world, children require a high knowledge to inter to their community as an employee. Educational systems that exist nowadays, help young people to learn enough about fields of works and prepare them for their future life. But by increasing amount also huge rate of changing in knowledge and skills required for jobs, children must spend most of their childhood and a part of their adulthood to learn requirements of available jobs. However, children can reduce intensity of those requirements by choosing jobs that are similar to their parents job. So in my opinion its better for children to choose jobs as similar as to their parents jobs for two following reasons. First, A huge part of children spend their free time in part-time jobs. Most of this part time jobs are related to their parents jobs. Imagine a farmer family which children of that family help their parents in affairs related to farm and learn much of there methods. In this family when children reach their adulthood, they already know vast amount of farming methods. Also by choosing their parents job as farmer, they don't have to spend lot of time to learn new skills. So by choosing their parents job, these children can aim their obligatory duties toward their future job as farmers and by this mean they can decrease a huge effort that needs to learn new skills. Moreover, they start their job so much sooner than their counterparts which haven't choose their parent job. Second, in nowadays commerce communities, ambitious young graduated people needs at least an extra-ordinary fund to start their commerce activity. This new incomers to trade also have troubles with lack of experience and flexibility in their trading styles. So as time goes, they lost much of their fund to attain requisite experience in trading. But young people who choose to follow their parents job have none of this problems. They can exploit their parents experience and start at basis Which they created before. By that risk of losing money and time will be diminished. For example in my family my brother chose to follow my father job. At first steps in his own business he was going to make wrong decisions which any of them could destroy his trading activities. But my father advice him in his decisions and aid him whenever it was possible. Also at his starting point, he started his business at my father's shop and used facilities that was already exists there. by reasons mentioned above, I conclude that children who choose their parent have a higher chance to attain a successful start in their adulthood. They can use their own and their parents experience and exploit established facilities of their parents to get a quick start in their jobs. This children also can reduce the time which is needed for learning new skills and spend that time in other activities. So I strictly recommend children to choose jobs similar or same to their parents.
In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's world,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
require
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "high knowledge".
a high knowledge
to inter to their community as an employee. Educational systems that exist nowadays,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
about fields of works and prepare them for their future life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
by increasing amount
also
huge rate of changing in knowledge and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
required for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
most of their childhood and a part of their adulthood to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
requirements of available
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
intensity of those requirements by choosing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
that are similar to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
in my opinion its better for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choose
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
as similar as to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
for two following reasons.

First
, A huge part of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
. Most of this part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
are related
to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
. Imagine a farmer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
of that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
in affairs related to farm and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
much of
Did you mean "their"?
there
methods. In this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
reach their adulthood, they already know vast amount of farming methods.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
by choosing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
as farmer, they don't
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
It seems that an article is missing.
lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
by choosing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can aim their obligatory duties toward their future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
as farmers and by this mean they can decrease a huge effort that needs to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
.
Moreover
, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
start
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much sooner than their counterparts which haven't
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choose
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
job.

Second,
nowadays is used without 'in'. Use simply: "nowadays".
in nowadays
commerce communities, ambitious young graduated
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
needs
at least an extra-ordinary fund to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
start
their commerce activity. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
incomers to trade
also
have troubles with lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
and flexibility in their trading styles.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
goes, they lost much of their fund to attain requisite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
in trading.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choose
to follow their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
have none of
Did you mean "these"?
this
problems. They can exploit their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
start
at basis Which they created
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
. By that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of losing money and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
will
be diminished
.
For example
in my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
my brother chose to follow my father
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
. At
first
steps in his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
business he was going to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
decisions which any of them could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
destroy
his trading activities.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
my father advice him in his decisions and aid him whenever it was possible.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
at his starting point, he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
his business at my father's shop and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
facilities that was already exists there.

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
by
reasons mentioned above, I conclude that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choose
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
have a higher chance to attain a successful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
start
in their adulthood. They can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
and their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
and exploit established facilities of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a quick
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
start
in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
.
Did you mean "these"?
This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
also
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
which
is needed
for learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in other activities.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
I
strictly
recommend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choose
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
similar or same to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
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IELTS essay Integrated task: Zebra Mussels | It is better for children to choose job that are similar to their parent jobs? listening exercises •MessageAuthorToefl writting integrated: Britain #1 (permalink) Fri May 29, 2015 21: 17 pm Toefl writting integrated: Br

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
498 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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  • Integrated task : Zebra Mussels | It is better for children to choose job that are similar to their parent jobs?listening exercises •MessageAuthorToefl writting integrated: Britain #1 (permalink) Fri May 29, 2015 21:17 pm Toefl writting integrated: Br