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Information technology enables many people to do their work outside their workplace (e.g. at home, when travelling, etc.). Do the benefits of this mobility outweigh the disadvantages?

Information technology enables many people to do their work outside their workplace (e. g. at home, when travelling, etc. ). Do the benefits of this mobility outweigh the disadvantages? 36QN
It is quite sure that information technology is making it more possible to work remotely in certain kinds of jobs. This essay will discuss that working outside of the physical office could be much more fruitful while there are still potential some drawbacks. First of all, spending too much time on working without colleagues could make some people isolated from their communities. It means that the feeling about self-isolation from society may influence negatively on employee’s personality and mental status, since people need to interchange their ideas and thoughts face to face regularly. For example, in recent research conducted in Japan, increasing number of suicide cases among young workers who are doing remote job is possibly associated with their working style. While existing such harmful effect, working remotely could be much more beneficial for both employers and employees. Some businesses such as customer service, online marketing are taking advantages of using IT development, ensuring people working outside of the office. Putting this in detailed, business owners can save cost by providing relatively less wages to their employees, on the other hand, the commuting at home can spend more time in their personal life. Moreover, working at different environment may boost employee’s creativity. Leading IT companies such as Google and Facebook, for instance, provides employees with flexible working schedule which promotes them to manage their own schedule to work at the office or commute remotely. In other word, employees may suggest productive ideas, when they work in various places, not in a fixed office. In conclusion, although in some business, working outside of the office can be more advantageous rather than working at the office when it comes to economic efficiency and creative ideas, it is clear that social needs of employees should be considered at the same time.
It is quite sure that information technology is making it more possible to work
remotely
in certain kinds of jobs. This essay will discuss that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "outside".
outside of
the physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
office
could be much more fruitful while there are
still
potential
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, spending too much time on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
without colleagues could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
isolated from their communities. It means that the feeling about self-isolation from society may influence
negatively
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee’s
personality and mental status, since
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
need to interchange their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
and thoughts face to face
regularly
.
For example
, in recent research conducted in Japan, increasing number of suicide cases among young workers who are doing remote job is
possibly
associated with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
style. While existing such harmful effect,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
remotely
could be much more beneficial for both employers and employees.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
businesses such as customer service, online marketing are taking advantages of using IT development, ensuring
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "outside".
outside of
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
office
. Putting this in detailed, business owners can save cost by providing
relatively
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun wages is countable.
less
wages to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
,
on the other hand
, the commuting at home can spend more time in their personal life.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
environment may boost
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee’s
creativity. Leading IT
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
such as Google and Facebook,
for instance
, provides
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
with flexible
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
schedule which promotes them to manage their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
schedule to work at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
office
or commute
remotely
. In other word,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
may suggest productive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
, when they work in various places, not in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fixed
office.

In conclusion
, although in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
business,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "outside".
outside of
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
office
can be more advantageous
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
office
when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to economic efficiency and creative
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that social needs of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
should
be considered
at the same time.

IELTS essay Information technology enables many people to do their work outside their workplace (e. g. at home, when travelling, etc. ). Do the benefits of this mobility outweigh the disadvantages?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
298 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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