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Increased juvenile crime is attributed to violence in media. To what extend do you agree? What are the solutions? v.1

Increased juvenile crime is attributed to violence in media. What are the solutions? v. 1
In the modern world, the alarming rise in the juvenile crime rate has been linked to the excessive aggression offered in media and games. I agree that the escalating of youth delinquency is equated to the blaze of violence in media. However, strategies should be formulated to impede the progression of this phenomenon. Perhaps one of the main reasons for this upsurge in numbers of young offenders is the excessive aggression presented in movies. This is because role models of delinquents are usually the criminals who are portrayed in films as heroes and tend to act violently and earn an easy fortune. In a recent study, which was published by Stanford University, they found that the majority of young offenders are imitating their beloved celebrity in dealing with issues brutally. In addition, if the proper guidance was not provided, vulnerable youth could be allured to commit the crime by miscreants or notorious elements without considering the consequences of their actions. Therefore, extended exposure to violent scenes from various media streams has encouraged the inclination of children towards crime. To tackle this, governments should shoulder the onus with citizens to decrease the emergence of young criminals. Firstly, parental control should be imposed on overly explicit violence by trying to limit the time of exposure or offering other activities. Secondly, the authorities should censor the content of video-games and media that promote violence. Finally, providing therapeutic sessions to the troubled ones that rehabilitate them to participate positively in the community. The successful initiative, that was done in Egypt is a quintessential example, which aimed at the mitigating of juvenile crimes. As a consequence, if the people in power and citizens collaborate, the delinquency of youngsters would dwindle substantially. In conclusion, I would reiterate my opinion that the widespread brutality in the media has contributed to the alarming rise of juvenile delinquency rates. Thus, governments should oversee mass media to limit the spread of this phenomenon.
In the modern world, the alarming rise in the juvenile crime rate has
been linked
to the excessive aggression offered in
media
and games. I
agree
that the escalating of youth delinquency
is equated
to the blaze of violence in
media
.
However
, strategies should
be formulated
to impede the progression of this phenomenon.

Perhaps one of the main reasons for this upsurge in numbers of young offenders is the excessive aggression presented in movies. This is
because
role models of delinquents are
usually
the criminals who
are portrayed
in films as heroes and tend to act
violently
and earn an easy fortune. In a recent study, which
was published
by Stanford University, they found that the majority of young offenders are imitating their beloved celebrity in dealing with issues
brutally
.
In addition
, if the proper guidance was not provided, vulnerable youth could
be allured
to commit the crime by miscreants or notorious elements without considering the consequences of their actions.
Therefore
, extended exposure to violent scenes from various
media
streams has encouraged the inclination of children towards crime.

To tackle this,
governments
should shoulder the onus with citizens to decrease the emergence of young criminals.
Firstly
, parental control should
be imposed
on
overly
explicit violence by trying to limit the time of exposure or offering other activities.
Secondly
, the authorities should censor the content of video-games and
media
that promote violence.
Finally
, providing therapeutic sessions to the troubled ones that rehabilitate them to participate
positively
in the community. The successful initiative, that
was done
in Egypt is a quintessential example, which aimed at the mitigating of juvenile crimes. As a consequence, if the
people
in power and citizens collaborate, the delinquency of youngsters would dwindle
substantially
.

In conclusion
, I would reiterate my opinion that the widespread brutality in the
media
has contributed to the alarming rise of juvenile delinquency rates.
Thus
,
governments
should oversee mass
media
to limit the spread of this phenomenon.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
6Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes

IELTS essay Increased juvenile crime is attributed to violence in media. What are the solutions? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
323 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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