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Increase in violent crime

Increase in violent crime q1wEE
n recent years, great attention has been paid to the topic of who should be the most responsible for the child’s behavior. Therefore, there is numerous discussions on this issue. Some people state that parents and teachers ought to be blamed for crimes committed by young children. However, some opponents disagree with the above perspective. In this essay, the argument will be carefully examined to support my opinion. The first thing to consider is the fact that children’s surroundings drastically affect their growths. According to the recent report in Japan, about 80 percent of young children responded TV games or computer games were the most inspiring for them to make crimes. Thanks to advanced technology, young children can play violent games with extremely clear screens. This has drastically encouraged for children’s violent behaviors in real world. In addition, advanced technology didn’t give us only these harmful game, but also social network service so that people can be connected easily with even strangers. If young children meet bad people on website and are unfortunately related with them, young children might be involved in violent crimes. Therefore, I would like to argue that it is insufficient to conclude that teachers and parents should be responsible for children’s behaviors. On the other hand, it is also true that teachers and parents are close to their children. Children have many things which they don’t know what they must not do and what they may do. Teachers and parents usually have many chances to meet their children and teach these things. However, the time children’s teachers and parents is limited. It is impossible to accompany with their children. Besides of this, children can have their own computers or games and it is difficult for their teachers and parents to intervene all the time. Therefore, as I mentioned in the second paragraph, what teachers and parents can do for their children is limited and children can make criminal even if parents or teachers educate them due to other surroundings. In the final analysis, I would like to emphasize that this problem should be discussed by more various perspectives. It is too overlooked to conclude teachers and parents should be responsible for their children’s behaviors. In my opinion, other surroundings such as games play more important roles than teachers and parents when children commit crime.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
n
recent years, great attention has
been paid
to the topic of who should be the most responsible for the child’s behavior.
Therefore
,
Did you mean "there are numerous discussions"?
there is numerous discussions
on this issue.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
state that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
ought to
be blamed
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
committed by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
opponents disagree with the above perspective. In this essay, the argument will be
carefully
examined to support my opinion.

The
first
thing to consider is the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
surroundings
drastically
affect their growths. According to the recent report in Japan, about 80 percent of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
responded TV
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
or computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
were the most inspiring for them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
. Thanks to advanced technology,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can play violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
with
extremely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
screens. This has
drastically
encouraged for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
violent behaviors in real world.
In addition
, advanced technology didn’t give us
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
these harmful game,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
social network service
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can
be connected
easily
with even strangers. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
on website and are unfortunately related with them,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
might
be involved
in violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
.
Therefore
, I would like to argue that it is insufficient
to conclude
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should be responsible for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
behaviors.

On the other hand
, it is
also
true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are close to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
things which they don’t know what they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
not do and what they may do.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Teachers
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
usually
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
chances to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and teach these things.
However
, the time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
is limited
. It is impossible to
The usual collocation for "accompany" is "by," not "with." It is better to say this: "accompany by".
accompany with
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Besides
of this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
computers or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and it is difficult for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to intervene all the time.
Therefore
, as I mentioned in the second paragraph, what
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can do for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is limited
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
criminal even if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
educate them due to other surroundings.

In the final analysis, I would like to emphasize that this problem should
be discussed
by more various perspectives. It is too overlooked
to conclude
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should be responsible for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
behaviors. In my opinion, other surroundings such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
play more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
roles than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
commit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
.
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IELTS essay Increase in violent crime

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
388 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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