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Incident changed my life and motivated me

Incident changed my life and motivated me BL6ya
EACH one of us in our life has some incidents which motivate us, help us grow, or sometimes even depress us but in long run, Those experiences help us groom in our life. I had one rather I would say there are two which happened at the same time. When I was fifteen years old, I had gone to an educational camp in New Delhi. we had gone there for a seminar on The history and heritage of India. Day ONE of that seminar got over by Nine pm and all of us (students) went back to our hotel and we all sat in our common room. When we were discussing our seminar I saw that I am the only one among all the other students who were trying or I would say breathing heavily. IT didn't strike me before because normally I use to breathe heavily after I had a very stressful and hectic day as I was an obese child. Everyone in my room was fit and healthy I was only the unfit obese child, it demotivated me I was were shameful of myself. That was the day when I realized why I used to breathe heavily. I was demotivated due to my physical structure. we all went back to sleep. all night that thing ran through my head, I wanted to switch the thought but I was not able to. I had an allocation competition the next day and I was one of the speakers from my school. I was afraid of going on the stage. I had rehearsed well but I thought that people will laugh at me due to my extra fat body. The next day I gathered some courage and went on the stage, I was very nervous and when I started to speak I was blank I didn't remember a single word and my heart started beating fast I didn't know what to do I fainted u read it right, I fainted. I was rushed to the hospital. I woke up in aiims Delhi. MY teacher Mr. Patel was sitting beside me. The doctor came and told me that I had fainted due to some stress. But he told me that now I was fine. he advised me to meet a psychologist, I agreed he called The psychologist. I spoke with the psychologist and told him everything which I was thinking. he first calmed me down then he said that my problem is not very big, I was the one who was making it big. he also said that I needed to exercise and control my body fat. He motivated me to do some exercise and become a healthy human being I returned home after that seminar and thought what the psychologist had said. I started to gym. I started training as a gym beast. FIRST THE TRAINING CHALLENGED ME ALOT, IN THE FIRST MONTH I THOUGHT OF QUITTING BUT I WAS DETERMINED TO CHANGE MYSELF AND I WANTED THAT CONFIDENCE in me. Two years in I am much fitter and healthier than before. I am half the size than I was. and let me tell u one thing that I don't know if my seminar helped me or not but that casual meeting in our common room motivated me to be a fitter and healthier human being. that allocation completion also taught me to ignore the outside world and not be ashamed of ourselves. now I run marathons do cyclothons and help obese people like me to get slimmer and leaner. After I became thin I feel very confident, motivated full of enthusiasm in my life. Confidence boost helped me a lot in my academics and even in my co-curricular activities. I started playing sports. I have never felt better than this in my life. Never be ashamed of yourself. Be proud of who you are and don't worry about how others see you. - Kristen Butler (source-Quotespedia. org)
EACH one of us in our life has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
incidents which motivate us,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
us grow, or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
even depress us
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in long run, Those experiences
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
us groom in our life. I had one
rather
I would say there are two which happened at the same time. When I was fifteen years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
, I had gone to an educational camp in New Delhi.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
we
had gone there for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
seminar
on The history and heritage of India. Day ONE of that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
seminar
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
over by Nine pm and all of us (students) went back to our
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
hotel and
we all sat in our common room. When we were discussing our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
seminar
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
that I am the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
one among all the other students who were trying or I would say breathing
heavily
. IT didn't strike me
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
normally
I
Make sure that 'use to' is correct. For habitual actions in the past or to mean 'accustomed to', use "used to".
use to
breathe
heavily
after I had a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
stressful and hectic day as I was an obese child. Everyone in my room
was fit
and healthy I was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the unfit obese child, it demotivated me I was
Consider using a past participle here: "been".
were
shameful of myself. That was the day when I realized why I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to breathe
heavily
. I
was demotivated
due to my physical structure.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
we
all went back to sleep.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
all
night that thing ran through my head, I wanted to switch the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
thought
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I was not able to. I had an allocation competition the
next
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
day and
I was one of the speakers from my school. I was afraid of going on the stage.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
had rehearsed well
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
thought
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
will laugh at me due to my extra
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
body. The
next
day I gathered
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
courage and went on the stage, I was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
nervous and when I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
started
to speak I was blank I didn't remember a single word and my heart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
started
beating
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
I didn't know what to do I fainted u read it right, I fainted. I
was rushed
to the hospital. I woke up in
Possible spelling mistake found.
aiims
Delhi. MY teacher Mr. Patel was sitting beside me. The doctor came and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
told
me that I had fainted due to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
told
me that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
I was fine.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
he
advised me to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
psychologist
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agreed
he called The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
psychologist
. I spoke with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
psychologist
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
told
him everything which I was thinking.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
he
first
calmed me down then he said that my problem is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
, I was the one who was making it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
he
also
said that I needed to exercise and control my body
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
. He motivated me to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
exercise and become a healthy human being I returned home after that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
seminar
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
thought
what the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
psychologist
had said. I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
started
to gym. I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
started
training as a gym beast.
FIRST
THE TRAINING CHALLENGED ME
Possible spelling mistake found.
ALOT
, IN THE
FIRST
MONTH I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
THOUGHT
OF QUITTING
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
BUT
I
WAS DETERMINED
TO
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
CHANGE
MYSELF AND I WANTED THAT CONFIDENCE in me. Two years in I am much fitter and healthier than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
. I am half the size than I was.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
me
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
u one thing that I don't know if my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
seminar
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
me or not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
that casual meeting in our common room motivated me to be a fitter and healthier human being.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
that
allocation completion
also
taught me to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
the outside world and not
be ashamed
of ourselves.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
now
I run marathons do
Possible spelling mistake found.
cyclothons
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
obese
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
like me to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
slimmer and leaner. After I became thin I feel
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
confident, motivated full of enthusiasm in my life. Confidence boost
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
me a lot in my academics and even in my co-curricular activities. I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
started
playing sports. I have never felt better than this in my life.

Never
be ashamed
of yourself. Be proud of who you are and don't worry about how others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
you.
Consider using an m-dash in dialogues and enumerations.
-
Kristen Butler (
Possible spelling mistake found.
source-Quotespedia
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
org
)
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IELTS essay Incident changed my life and motivated me

Essay
  American English
2 paragraphs
656 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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