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In your own opinion, what do you think are the factors that contribute to longevity?

In your own opinion, what do you think are the factors that contribute to longevity? KwVgL
There are a lot of reasons that people can live longer than before, such as the development of medication and a good diet. I will explain about that the factors related to life expectancy and the reasons. To begin with, I think that the most effective factor is the development of medical treatment. For a long time, we had a lot of incurable diseases, so we couldn't treat any diseases like flu, pest and so on. We didn't have any vaccines and treatment in order to cure the diseases. However, these days there are many vaccines, injections, chemotherapy and pills which can cure and doctors and scientists have also researched and developed the surgical methods. It has led to our life expectancy. Secondly, I believe that having a good diet has affected to be healthy. We focus on our lives healthy and happy nowadays. Therefore most people pursue to improve the quality of their health. For example, we not only tend to have a meal with thinking of calories and nutritions, but we also try to exercise regularly. These habits help us to live longer and healthier. To sum up, the development of medicine has helped to cure many diseases. We have more many curable diseases than incurable ones. Moreover, our activity style is to be healthy with a good eating habit. As a result, although there are various factors linked to longevity, I have asserted that the most powerful reasons are medical treatments and improving a life style which we intend to have a good diet and keep healthy. I think that we have more opportunities to live a varied life. Therefore we should take care of ourselves and try to develop it.
There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
reasons that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
longer than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
, such as the development of medication and a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
diet. I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
about that the factors related to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy and the reasons.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the most effective factor is the development of medical treatment. For a long time, we had
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
incurable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
we couldn't treat any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
like flu, pest and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on. We didn't have any vaccines and treatment in order to cure the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
.
However
, these days there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
vaccines, injections, chemotherapy and pills which can cure and doctors and scientists have
also
researched and developed the surgical methods. It has led to our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy.

Secondly
, I believe that having a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
diet has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
. We focus on our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
and happy nowadays.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
pursue to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the quality of their health.
For example
, we not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
tend to have a meal with thinking of calories and
Possible spelling mistake found.
nutritions
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
we
also
try to exercise
regularly
. These habits
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
us to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
longer and healthier.

To sum up, the development of medicine has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
to cure
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
. We have more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
curable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
than incurable ones.
Moreover
, our activity style is to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
with a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
eating habit.
As a result
, although there are various factors linked to longevity, I have asserted that the most powerful reasons are medical treatments and improving a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
style which we intend to have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
diet and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that we have more opportunities to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
a varied
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
we should take care of ourselves and try to develop it.
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IELTS essay In your own opinion, what do you think are the factors that contribute to longevity?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
284 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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