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In your opinion, why is the circus still a popular form of entertainment in the modern electronic age? v.1

In your opinion, why is the circus still a popular form of entertainment in the modern electronic age? v. 1
In spite of our living in an electronic age that offer many modern devices like TVs, tablets, laptops, washing machines, the internet we still follow some old way entertainment like the circus.   Circuses still are known all over the world and the clowns, jugglers or trained animals entertain people to a great extent. Furthermore, the circus is an interesting part of the entertainment for a minority of people in many areas of the world. These days, technology has become very popular and almost every human has at least one technological device. In addition, engineers discover new products very frequently and it does not take too much time for these devices to become known all over the world. Therefore, these devices comprise a big portion of people's entertainment, in particular, for youths. And that is why circuses are very dull for them. In spite of this fact, it is evident that children are very interested in circuses and we cannot conceive at how they are entertained by these shows. In addition, clowns' interesting actions and jugglers tricky games are still predominant part of entertainment which amuses people, especially children. And it is undeniable that trained animals such as lions constitute the majority of amusement. Their perilous actions are the prime example of the circus' entertainment. In spite of the minority of people are interested in the circus, it is still a well-known form of entertainment and it is fact that circus' history can be traced to the Roman Empire. To sum up, despite the fact that majority people is not interested in the circus and I am sure that there are ones who didn't bother to come to the circus, circus still keeps its popularity around the world.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
In spite of
our living in an electronic age that offer
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
like TVs, tablets, laptops, washing machines, the internet we
still
follow
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
way entertainment like the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
circus
.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
Circuses
still
are known
all over the world and the clowns, jugglers or trained animals entertain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to a great extent.
Furthermore
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
circus
is an interesting part of the entertainment for a minority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
areas of the world.

These days, technology has become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
popular and almost every human has at least one technological
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
device
.
In addition
, engineers discover new products
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
frequently
and it does not take too much time for these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
to become known all over the world.
Therefore
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
comprise a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
portion of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's entertainment,
in particular
, for youths. And
that is
why circuses are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
dull for them.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
In spite of
this fact, it is evident that children are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
interested in
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
circuses and
we cannot conceive at how they
are entertained
by these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
.
In addition
, clowns' interesting actions and jugglers tricky games are
still
predominant part of entertainment which amuses
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
especially
children. And it is undeniable that trained animals such as lions constitute the majority of amusement. Their perilous actions are the prime example of the circus' entertainment.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
In spite of
the minority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are interested
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
circus
, it is
still
a well-known form of entertainment and it is fact that circus' history can
be traced
to the Roman Empire.

To sum up, despite the fact that majority
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
not interested in the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
circus and
I am sure that there are ones who didn't bother to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
circus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
circus
still
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keeps
its popularity around the world.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay In your opinion, why is the circus still a popular form of entertainment in the modern electronic age? v. 1

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
288 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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