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In your opinion. Why is the circus still a popular form of entertainment in the modem electronic age?

In your opinion. Why is the circus still a popular form of entertainment in the modem electronic age? QaMb
In modern electronic era, the entertainments like circus continue to be popular. While I agree that the circus is still popular nowadays, I believe that the fame would not be forever and some day the circus will be no longer needed. On the one hand, there are a lot of people who love to go to the circus and it has many reasons for. First of all, most people look forward to live shows because the circus has a lot of dazzling shows which includes performances with wild animals or, clown or mime programmes. Going to a real circus is much more fun so over a hundred years people have never stopped to come to see this outstanding performances. Secondly, every parents want to show their child this popular type of entertainment, how their parents did this for them. So going to circus is tradition for every child. Also some adults think that it is helpful for kids to take their mind off mobile phones and computers. However, I believe that most entertainments include cirque wouldn’t last too long in our modern and innovation world. It is usually matter of time when attachment to the circus would wither. Firstly I think that circus is not longer able to attract a lot of audience. For example, nowadays children would rather go to amuse park or cinema than cirque. Secondly, even if cirque can entice a few visitors, the amount of money is not enough for animal food and for employees salary therefore it would be not profitable to run circus and eventually the circus would be closed. In conclusion, although people mainly enjoy with shows in circus, I believe that in few decades the public will not be interested in this kind of entertainments.
In modern electronic era, the entertainments like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
circus
continue to be popular. While I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
circus
is
still
popular nowadays, I believe that the fame would not be forever and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
day the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
circus
will be no longer needed.

On the one hand, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
to go to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
circus
and it has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons for.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
look forward to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shows
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
circus
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
dazzling
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shows
which includes performances with wild animals or, clown or mime
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
. Going to a real
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
circus
is much more fun
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
over a hundred years
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have never
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stopped
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
this outstanding performances.
Secondly
, every
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "parent"?
parents
want to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
show
their child this popular type of entertainment, how their parents did this for them.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
going to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
circus
is tradition for every child.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
adults
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is helpful for kids to take their mind off mobile phones and computers.

However
, I believe that most entertainments include cirque wouldn’t last too long in our modern and innovation world. It is
usually
matter of time when attachment to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
circus
would wither.
Firstly
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
circus
is not longer able to attract
Possible agreement error. The noun audience seems to be countable; consider using: "a lot of audiences".
a lot of audience
.
For example
, nowadays children would
rather
go to amuse park or cinema than cirque.
Secondly
, even if cirque can entice a few visitors, the amount of money is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
for animal food and for employees salary
therefore
it would be not profitable to run
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
circus
and
eventually
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
circus
would
be closed
.

In conclusion
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
mainly
enjoy with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shows
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
circus
, I believe that in few decades the public will not
be interested
in this kind of entertainments.
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IELTS essay In your opinion. Why is the circus still a popular form of entertainment in the modem electronic age?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
293 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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    Currently is not available
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