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In your opinion, which of the following traits do you need to display to a corporation when applying to it?

In your opinion, which of the following traits do you need to display to a corporation when applying to it? pa2r2
When applying for a job, there are a great deal of traits candidates need to display to impress the recruiters. However in my opinion, the most essential one is passion for the industry. Because it helps employees stick with the job for a long time. Beside that, if the employees extremely love their profession, they are able to withstand the pressure at the workplace. Initially, enthusiasm contributes to a long attachment’s staff with their career. In fact, most employers state that they are willing to train the employees lacking experience but having a strong passion for the job instead of ones being qualified but having a bad attitude at the workplace. As long as the candidates love the job enough and are on their game, they tend to work harder and harder, and put a ton of effort on assigned tasks. They also never stop striving and upgrade themselves on belief to get more achievements and advance yet further. Take myself as an example, despite not being a worker yet, I totally love my major so I accumulate knowledge and skills regarding it and build a specific long-term plan to pursue my specialty. Next, passion for work gives people positive and powerful motivation to cope with problems and pressure arising from the workplace. In fact, some corporations have overloading tasks and request their employees work round the clock. That causes a stressful and suffocating atmosphere at their offices. People who are not able to work under high pressure are depressed quickly, some suffer from diseases such as stomach pain, headache and memory loss, etc. On the contrary, people retaining the excitement with what they are doing seem to get through the pressure and obstacles easily because they always think of the optimistic and aim for better things instead of pessimistic ones. Obviously, passion is a critical component candidates need to illustrate in front of the employers due to the value of the commitment to the organizations and the way they overcome pressure at work. Nevertheless, beside passion, people should also multiply other skills such as time management and communication skills for success.
When applying for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
, there are a great
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "deals"?
deal
of traits candidates need to display to impress the recruiters.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
in my opinion, the most essential one is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
passion
for the industry.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
stick with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
for a long time. Beside that, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
extremely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
their profession, they are able to withstand the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pressure
at the workplace.

Initially
, enthusiasm contributes to a long attachment’s staff with their career. In fact, most employers state that they are willing to train the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
lacking experience
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
having a strong
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
passion
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
instead
of
Did you mean "one's"?
ones
being qualified
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
having a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
attitude at the workplace. As long as the candidates
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
and are on their game, they tend to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
harder and harder, and put a ton of effort on assigned tasks. They
also
never
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
striving and upgrade themselves on belief to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more achievements and advance
yet
further
. Take myself as an example, despite not being a worker
yet
, I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
my major
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
I accumulate knowledge and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
regarding it and build a specific long-term plan to pursue my specialty.

Next
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
passion
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
gives
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and powerful motivation to cope with problems and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pressure
arising from the workplace. In fact,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
corporations have overloading tasks and request their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
round the clock. That causes a stressful and suffocating atmosphere at their offices.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
who are not able to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
under high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pressure
are depressed
quickly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
suffer from diseases such as stomach pain, headache and memory loss, etc.
On the contrary
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
retaining the excitement with what they are doing seem to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
through the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pressure
and obstacles
easily
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
of the optimistic and aim for better things
instead
of pessimistic ones.

Obviously
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
passion
is a critical component
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "candidate"?
candidates
need to illustrate in front of the employers due to the value of the commitment to the organizations and the way they overcome
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pressure
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
Nevertheless
, beside
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
passion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
also
multiply other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
such as time management and communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
for success.
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IELTS essay In your opinion, which of the following traits do you need to display to a corporation when applying to it?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
352 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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