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In today’s competitive world, many families find it necessary for both parents go to out to work. While some say the children in these families benefit from the additional income, others feel their lack support because of their parents’ absence. Discus v.1

In today’s competitive world, many families find it necessary for both parents go to out to work. While some say the children in these families benefit from the additional income, others feel their lack support because of their parents’ absence. Discus v. 1
Some people believe that the both parents who have jobs would earn more income. Meanwhile, others argue that their children might sense abandoned because their parents are not there for them. In this essay, I would describe the both of these opinions. To begin with the increased of human’s needs and it also becomes more expensive day by day moreover the cost of education. Every parent undoubtedly guarantees their children obtain schooling that have a certain but it would take them an arm and a leg. For example, fifteen years ago, the first time kids touched formal education were in the kindergarten at five to six years old and it is not required. However, there is new additional pre-school called playground which is provided for preschoolers who aged three to four. Most parents want their children want to get to get it and it is not cheap. Moreover, with the more income, they could also let them allow informal teaching and buy the latest gadget. The children might feel deserted because parents do not spend plenty time with them. Thus, the lessons of life which are not necessarily taught in the school would not be gained. Also, they are more like to be alone and do anything they want without any permission. It could lead them to criminal activities. The case in this point that usually we found is waste their education fee to buy something dangerous such as drugs. Therefore, their future would be broken and become the burden to their parents. All in all, this is might be true that the pair parent own career could cover the growth of living cost. But, I think the children would suffer if their parents are consumed by their jobs. Therefore, parents need to always keep in touch with them.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that the both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
who have jobs would earn more income. Meanwhile, others argue that their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
might sense abandoned
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are not there for them. In this essay, I would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
describe
the both of these opinions.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with the increased of
Possible typo. Did you mean: "human needs"?
human’s needs
and it
also
becomes more expensive day by day
moreover
the cost of education. Every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
undoubtedly
guarantees their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
obtain schooling that have a certain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it would take them an arm and a leg.
For example
, fifteen years ago, the
first
time kids touched formal education were in the kindergarten at five to six years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
and it is not required.
However
, there is new additional
Possible spelling mistake found.
pre-school
called playground which
is provided
for preschoolers who aged three to four. Most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
want their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
it and it is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cheap
.
Moreover
, with the more income, they could
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
informal teaching and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
the latest gadget.

The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
might feel deserted
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
do not spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
time with them.
Thus
, the lessons of life which are not
necessarily
taught in the school would not
be gained
.
Also
, they are more like to be alone and do anything they want without any permission. It could lead them to criminal activities. The case in this point that
usually
we found is waste their education fee to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
something
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
such as drugs.
Therefore
, their future would
be broken
and become the burden to their parents.

All in all, this is might be true that the pair
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
career could cover the growth of living cost.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
would suffer if their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are consumed
by their jobs.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
need to always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
in touch with them.
16Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
I am always sorry when any language is lost, because languages are the pedigrees of nations.
Samuel Johnson

IELTS essay In today’s competitive world, many families find it necessary for both parents go to out to work. While some say the children in these families benefit from the additional income, others feel their lack support because of their parents’ absence. Discus v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
299 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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