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in the modern world, it is no longer necessary to use animals as food and other products?

in the modern world, it is no longer necessary to use animals as food and other products? eE28G
It is common that using animals is not prominently the necessity for making food and various products in the 4. 0 technological century. From my perspective, I completely agree with this view for several reasons. The main reason why I believe that animals will not use essentially longer for food and other products in modern world is because today, there are the number of animals that are on the verge of extinction. So, to balance the ecosystems as keeping safe those manners of animals such as rhinos, tigers, the government has imposed strict law to prevent poachers from hunting rare animals. This mean that there will be a reduction of the amount of hunters who are illegal to take animals for producing food. For example, Kangaroos are the symbols of Australia, which are protected by the government who make the regulation to send them to the zoological gardens to live in safety. Further evidence can be seen in children. As everyone can be known, the rate of obesity of youngsters or minors is increasing. This stems from their portion in each meal, and because of they cannot balance the amount of food, and of course it includes meat as beef and pork. In the components of nutrition in meat, there contains high calories, high fat, which makes them pose a threat to their body with some health problems, especially overweight. Therefore, instead of meat, they can provide more vegetables and fruits that absorb vitamins, high fibres into their bodies, which helps them to have better health. In conclusion, I strongly believe that in developed century it doesn’t play an integral role to use animals for food and various products because of the survival of animals and the overweight state of children.
It is common that using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
is not
prominently
the necessity for making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and various products in the 4. 0 technological century. From my perspective, I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this view for several reasons.

The main reason why I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
essentially
longer for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and other products in modern world is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
, there are the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
that are on the verge of extinction.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, to balance the ecosystems as keeping safe those manners of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
such as rhinos, tigers, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
has imposed strict law to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
poachers from hunting rare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
. This mean that there will be a reduction of the amount of hunters who are illegal to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
for producing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
.
For example
, Kangaroos are the symbols of Australia, which
are protected
by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the regulation to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
them to the zoological gardens to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in safety.

Further
evidence can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in children. As everyone can
be known
, the rate of obesity of youngsters or minors is increasing. This stems from their portion in each meal, and
Probable usage error. Use "because they" instead.
because of they
cannot balance the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
, and
of course
it includes meat as beef and pork. In the components of nutrition in meat, there contains high calories, high
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them pose a threat to their body with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
health problems,
especially
overweight.
Therefore
,
instead
of meat, they can provide more vegetables and fruits that absorb vitamins, high
Possible spelling mistake. 'fibres' is British English.
fibres
into their bodies, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to have better health.

In conclusion
, I
strongly
believe that in developed century it doesn’t play an integral role to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and various products
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the survival of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
and the overweight state of children.
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IELTS essay in the modern world, it is no longer necessary to use animals as food and other products?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
291 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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