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Some people think the secondary school should study non-academic subjects such as Civic or Religious Studies. Others argue that this a waste of time and those children should only study academic subjects like mathematics and science. v.2

Some people think the secondary school should study non-academic subjects such as Civic or Religious Studies. Others argue that this a waste of time and those children should only study academic subjects like mathematics and science. v. 2
Some people think that high school should learn non-academic courses like Religion studies instead only focus on academic courses. Others said it would consume time. In this essay, I would describe these both opinions. The reason why students in the secondary school should be taught about Civic or Religion Studies is because Religion is something that could not be separated from human life. There is phrase “ora et labora” which means pray and work. If it is interpreted for students to balance attitude and the academic. Moreover, Religion could lead us in peace, so when they are in trouble they would face it calmly. For example, the number of students who committed suicide in South Korea has increased every year. This is caused by pushing them too much in academic subjects without stabilizing their spiritual. Therefore, when they could not reach their target, it would cause them to become distressed and do dangerous things. On the other hand, there are two reasons why schools should not take Religion Studies as a curriculum. Firstly, people’s faith is not something that should be assessed then written on the report card. Because, in Religion educations in many schools, teachers ask their pupil to memorize a lot of paragraphs from the holy book, but they actually do not have the understanding about them. Additionally, Religion should be a device that connects the person to God. Secondly, most of the educator are not compatible. They educate the student to be radical such as calling the untruth of other religions. So, the students would make a group that only include people who have the same beliefs. Furthermore, citizens usually found some students in 15-17 years old who committed suicide while killed people who have different faith due to radical teachings that they learned. All in all, I think religion is something that has powerful role in students’ live. However, students need to be educated about religion without making it as a syllabus.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
should learn non-academic courses like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Religion
studies
instead
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
focus on academic courses. Others said it would consume time. In this essay, I would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
describe
these both opinions.

The reason why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in the secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
should
be taught
about Civic or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Religion
Studies is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Religion
is something that could not
be separated
from human life. There is phrase “
Possible spelling mistake found.
ora
Possible spelling mistake found.
et
Possible spelling mistake found.
labora
” which means pray and work. If it
is interpreted
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to balance attitude and the academic.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Religion
could lead us in peace,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
when they are in trouble they would face it
calmly
.
For example
, the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
committed suicide in South Korea has increased every year. This
is caused
by pushing them too much in academic subjects without stabilizing their spiritual.
Therefore
, when they could not reach their target, it would cause them to become distressed and do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
things.

On the other hand
, there are two reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should not take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Religion
Studies as a curriculum.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
faith is not something that should
be assessed
then written on the report card.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
, in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Religion
educations in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
, teachers ask their pupil to memorize
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
paragraphs from the holy book,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they actually do not have the understanding about them.
Additionally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Religion
should be a device that connects the person to God.
Secondly
, most of the educator are not compatible. They educate the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
to be radical such as calling the untruth of other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
religions
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a group that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
include
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have the same beliefs.
Furthermore
, citizens
usually
found
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in 15-17 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
committed suicide while killed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
faith due to radical teachings that they learned.

All in all, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
religion
is something that has powerful role in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
need to
be educated
about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
religion
without making it as a syllabus.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
30Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think the secondary school should study non-academic subjects such as Civic or Religious Studies. Others argue that this a waste of time and those children should only study academic subjects like mathematics and science. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
326 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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