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In some parts of the world it is becoming popular to research the history of one's own family. Why might people want to do this? Is it a positive or negative development? v.4

In some parts of the world it is becoming popular to research the history of one's own family. Why might people want to do this? Is it a positive or negative development? v. 4
Nowadays, people in some countries of the world, show a keen interest in studying their family history. This development has an overall positive impact. Some of the reasons why people do this research are discussed in this essay. Firstly, knowing one's family background is extremely important from the medical perspective, as there are certain diseases which run in families. For instance, the neurological disorders like Huntington's chorea and Friedrich's ataxia are hereditary diseases. If we know about our family history, we can easily avoid cousin marriages and protect our offsprings from these debilitating illnesses. Secondly, the research about one's family helps to clarify the reasons of conflicts between the family members. This provides an opportunity for the younger generation to avoid the mistakes made by their ancestors and live peacefully. There are many ways by which, knowing one's past, proves to be beneficial. First of all, when we get the idea of the diseases running in the families, we get a chance to stay away from family marriages and stop the transfer of those genes. For example, the transfer of blood disorders like Thalessemia could be stopped, if people avoid marrying their relatives known to carry the defected genes. Similarly, the positive traits of our grandparents and great grandparents could be adopted to lead a successful life, if we know our past. Such as, the way they enforced their children to stick together against all the odds, would serve as a light to enlighten our paths and help us teach our children to follow the same. To conclude, indulging into the research of our past could be a blessing for the families, because they can be saved from being handicapped and dependant on others. Moreover, one can learn from the horrible mistakes of our forefathers, that ended up in the break up of the families and could modify oneself and live at peace.
Nowadays,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries of the world,
Consider using third-person verb forms for singular and mass nouns: "shows".
show
a keen interest in studying their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
history. This development has an
overall
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact.
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
Some of the
reasons why
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
do this research
are discussed
in this essay.

Firstly
, knowing one's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
background is
extremely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
from the medical perspective, as there are certain diseases which run in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
.
For instance
, the neurological disorders like Huntington's chorea and Friedrich's ataxia are hereditary diseases. If we know about our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
history, we can
easily
avoid cousin marriages and protect our
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
from these debilitating illnesses.
Secondly
, the research about one's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to clarify the reasons of conflicts between the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members. This provides an opportunity for the younger generation to avoid the mistakes made by their ancestors and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
peacefully
.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways by which, knowing one's past, proves to be beneficial.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, when we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of the diseases running in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a chance to stay away from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
marriages and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
the transfer of those genes.
For example
, the transfer of blood disorders like
Possible spelling mistake found.
Thalessemia
could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stopped
, if
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
avoid marrying their relatives known to carry the defected genes.
Similarly
, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
traits of our grandparents and great grandparents could
be adopted
to lead a successful life, if we know our past. Such as, the way they enforced their children to stick together against all the odds, would serve as a light to enlighten our paths and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
us teach our children to follow the same.

To conclude
, indulging into the research of our past could be a blessing for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can
be saved
from
being handicapped
and
Did you mean "dependent" on?
dependant
on others.
Moreover
, one can learn from the horrible mistakes of our forefathers, that ended up in the break up of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
and could modify oneself and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
at peace.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
Speak a new language so that the world will be a new world.
Rumi

IELTS essay In some parts of the world it is becoming popular to research the history of one's own family. Why might people want to do this? Is it a positive or negative development? v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
313 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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