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In some cultures, the old ages is more valued, while in some cultures the youth is more valued. Discuss both view and give your own opinion. v.1

In some cultures, the old ages is more valued, while in some cultures the youth is more valued. v. 1
There has been an increasingly growing interest in social welfare for the old in the recent years. While many people argue that the old play a pivotal role to the development of a nation, there still remain some disagreements as to whether the authorities should concentrate on developing the youth or taking care of the old. Overall, it is my personal view that either the old or the young are of equal importance. On the one hand, the old people contribute to the development of a country in terms of their experience. It is an indisputable fact that were it not for the old, there wouldn’t be the young, particularly the well-educated young generation. Even though statements saying that the old are unable to work so it is useless to have excessive care for the old are somehow true, their views on society and economy cannot be easily replace by the young who lack hands-on experience. On the other hand, thanks to enthusiasm, good education and health, the youth can bring a large number of benefits to the rapidly changing society. With their professional knowledge in diverse fields, the youth are without doubt essential to the innovation and growth of the economy of a nation. Take the case of Japan as a salient example, due to the aging population which causes to the shortage of workforce, they are facing ever low economic growth. By way of conclusion, I once again affirm my position that both the old and the young exert positive impact on society at large. In the years to come, I do believe that proper policy should be adopted for the sake of looking after the old but not forgetting the youth to balance between the income and expenditures of a nation.
There has been an
increasingly
growing interest in social welfare for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
in the recent years. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
play a pivotal role to the development of a nation, there
still
remain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disagreements
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether", or rephrase the sentence to avoid "as to".
as to whether
the authorities should concentrate on developing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
youth
or taking care of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
.
Overall
, it is my personal view that either the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
or the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
are of equal importance.

On the one hand, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
contribute to the development of a country in terms of their experience. It is an indisputable fact that were it not for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
, there wouldn’t be the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
,
particularly
the well-educated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generation.
Even though
statements saying that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
are unable to work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it is useless to have excessive care for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
are somehow true, their views on society and economy cannot be
easily
Consider using a past participle here: "replaced".
replace
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
who lack hands-on experience.

On the other hand
, thanks to enthusiasm,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
education and health, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
youth
can bring
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
benefits to the
rapidly
changing society. With their professional knowledge in diverse fields, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
youth
are without doubt essential to the innovation and growth of the economy of a nation. Take the case of Japan as a salient example, due to the aging population which causes to the shortage of workforce, they are facing ever low economic growth.

By way of conclusion, I once again affirm my position that both the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
exert
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact on society at large. In the years to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
, I do believe that proper policy should
be adopted
for the sake of looking after the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not forgetting the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
youth
to balance between the income and expenditures of a nation.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay In some cultures, the old ages is more valued, while in some cultures the youth is more valued. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
294 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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