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In some cultures old people are more valued, while in other cultures the youth is more valued. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. v.2

In some cultures old people are more valued, while in other cultures the youth is more valued. v. 2
Different countries may have different view toward the old and youth. Because of diverse social and culture circumstances, people from various backgrounds may show respect toward different age groups. I believe there are merits concerning both sides. In some countries, youngsters are more valued because they are more dynamic and energetic which can accept new life and new condition quickly. And with these young generation, society can benefit from those young people since they novel motive power for social advancement with a wider ranger. Moreover, youths are always been better cultivated which most of them grow up with competitive and cooperative spirit. So that they can create more chances and challenges for whole society. Countries will have a quick development with their contribution. On the contrary however, in some culture system, old people are seen as cherish treasure for family and been respected by every members. It also have own reasons. Many elder people having experienced all the hardships of life which means most of them may have sufficiently experienced and well knowledges. They can overcome obstacle with their past experience when meeting backsets. Also, elder people always have more wisdom than young man so they can lead youth to achieve more value toward society. Moreover, elder people value the time they have and want to enjoy the most of it. In general, elder people can help to release conflicts inside families. Overall, I suppose we should value both because different age groups have different influence toward society. So they all deserves enough respect from others.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Different
countries may have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
view toward the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
and youth.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of diverse social and culture circumstances,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from various backgrounds may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
respect toward
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
age groups. I believe there are merits concerning both sides.

In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries, youngsters are more valued
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are more dynamic and energetic which can accept new life and new condition
quickly
. And with these young generation,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
can benefit from those young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
since they novel motive power for social advancement with a wider ranger.
Moreover
, youths are always been better cultivated which most of them grow up with competitive and cooperative spirit.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
that they can create more chances and challenges for whole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. Countries will have a quick development with their contribution.

On the contrary
however
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
culture system,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
as cherish treasure for family and
been respected
by every
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "member"?
members
. It
also
Did you mean "has"?
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
reasons.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
having experienced all the hardships of life which means most of them may have
sufficiently
experienced and well
Possible spelling mistake found.
knowledges
. They can overcome obstacle with their
Consider using "experience".
past experience
when meeting
Possible spelling mistake found.
backsets
.
Also
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
always have more wisdom than young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they can lead youth to achieve more value toward
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
value the time they have and want to enjoy the most of it.
In general
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to release conflicts inside families.

Overall
, I suppose we should value both
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
age groups have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
influence toward
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
they all
The pronoun 'they' must be used with a non-third-person form of a verb: "deserve"
deserves
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
respect from others.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay In some cultures old people are more valued, while in other cultures the youth is more valued. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
256 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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