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In some country, fast food restaurant and supermarket give money to school to promote their products. Do you think is a positive or negative development

In some country, fast food restaurant and supermarket give money to school to promote their products. Do you think is a positive or negative development eneA
It is irrefutable that advertisement is most significant for lots of business. Some people argue that in some nation, fast food restaurants and supermartets provide fund to school to promote their item. I personally believe this is a negative development for children and my inclination justified in the ensuing paragraphs. To begin, there are lots of demerit of advertising food and products in school. Firstly, it is help to develop the different tastes in kids. However, it is also increase the dilemma of obesity in children. Which leads to many other health problems in juvenile. Moreover, school's main goal should be focus on the children health. Secondly, such commercial products with academic material rise the consumerism. For instance, if school promote products such as computer games, study television. Pupils think that they have approval to buy the product. Hence, children annoy their parents to buy that product. Which effects the family budget. On the other side, for most of the school do not have proper funds to provide the amenities. The supermarkets and restaurants give funds to school to fulfill the facilities. School and collages are use the money to give facilities such as library and laborotery for science subjects. Furthermore, they send them in different factories and industries for better understanding. Moreover, improve the infrastructure of the school building. To sum up, it is undoubted the money assist the school to improv the amenities. However, I advocate promoting foods and products in school is negative development because it create lots of dilemma for children such as obesity and in longer run or future this perspective will prevails.
It is irrefutable that advertisement is most significant for lots of business.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
nation,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food restaurants and
Possible spelling mistake found.
supermartets
provide fund to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
to promote their item. I
personally
believe this is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and my inclination justified in the ensuing paragraphs.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
, there are
Possible agreement error. The noun demerit seems to be countable; consider using: "lots of demerits".
lots of demerit
of advertising food and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
Firstly
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to develop the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
tastes in kids.
However
, it is
also
Consider using a past participle here: "increased".
increase
the dilemma of obesity in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
“Which” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Which
leads to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other health problems in juvenile.
Moreover
, school's main goal should be focus on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
health.
Secondly
, such commercial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
with academic material rise the consumerism.
For instance
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
promote
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
such as computer games, study television. Pupils
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that they have approval to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
annoy their parents to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
. Which effects the family budget.

On the other side, for most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
do not have proper funds to provide the amenities. The supermarkets and restaurants give funds to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
to fulfill the facilities.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
School
and collages are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the money to give facilities such as library and
Possible spelling mistake found.
laborotery
for science subjects.
Furthermore
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
them in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
factories and industries for better understanding.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the infrastructure of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
building.

To sum up, it
is undoubted
the money assist the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
to
Possible spelling mistake found.
improv
the amenities.
However
, I advocate promoting foods and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
Did you mean "creates"?
create
Possible agreement error. The noun dilemma seems to be countable; consider using: "lots of dilemmas".
lots of dilemma
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
such as obesity and in longer run or future this perspective will
The verb 'will' requires the base form of the verb: "prevail"
prevails
.
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IELTS essay In some country, fast food restaurant and supermarket give money to school to promote their products. Do you think is a positive or negative development

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
268 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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