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In some countries young people move in their own homes in early twenties, in other countries they live with parents longer. What do you think, do the advantages of living alone outweigh the disadvantages?

In some countries young people move in their own homes in early twenties, in other countries they live with parents longer. What do you think, do the advantages of living alone outweigh the disadvantages? 1najy
Many youngsters after graduation from school or university are experiencing with moving and leaving home of parents, when the rest of the people prefer to stay longer with parents. I personally believe that gaining momentum in distribution of this tendency has more positive sides rather than negative, also, it is mutually beneficial for both parents and young peoples. On the one hand, leaving parents’ house in order to live separately is related to sensation of growing up. In a competitive world and time, when young need to become and adult faster mentally as well as be able to take responsibility for life. Hence, at such an early age, young people are more trying to live apart, figuring out what they are capable of doing since they have an ability to not be afraid to test themselves that they are trying to do more such as studying, getting a job together with extracurricular activities at university. Moreover, an advantageous picture can be drawn for parents as well, when they are ridded of funding their children and can manage finances at their delight, devoting more attention for welfare. They can travel, arrange meeting with friends, go to the cultural sites and just as live at your pleasure. On the other hand, despite of noticeable benefits, there are, nevertheless, consequences of this behavior. Moving in another apartment in early twenties, also, may be harmful activity due to the pressure that youngers always need to be able to find money to support themselves. At such a young age it can lead to health problems such as depression together with addiction, when a person falling into the wrong society, where being addicted from alcohol or drugs is common occurrence. Although, nowadays, young people are сhosing thorough their surroundings, distinctly aware how it will affect them. In conclusion, the tendency associated with moving have more advantages rather than disadvantages, favorably affecting to parents and students. Also, the younger generation, which becomes consciously and tries to make all decisions in their favor, will reduce shortcomings.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
youngsters after graduation from school or university are experiencing with moving and leaving home of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, when the rest of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
prefer to stay longer with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
. I
personally
believe that gaining momentum in distribution of this tendency has more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
sides
rather
than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
,
also
, it is
mutually
beneficial for both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
peoples.

On the one hand, leaving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents’
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
separately
is related
to sensation of growing up. In a competitive world and time, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
need to become and adult faster mentally
as well
as be able to take responsibility for life.
Hence
, at such an early age,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are more trying to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
apart, figuring out what they are capable of doing since they have an ability to not be afraid to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
test
themselves that they are trying to do more such as studying, getting a job together with extracurricular activities at university.
Moreover
, an advantageous picture can
be drawn
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
as well
, when they are
Possible spelling mistake found.
ridded
of funding their children and can manage finances at their delight, devoting more attention for welfare. They can travel, arrange meeting with friends, go to the cultural sites and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
at your pleasure.

On the other hand
,
Did you mean "despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
despite of
noticeable benefits, there are,
nevertheless
, consequences of this behavior. Moving in another apartment in early twenties,
also
, may be harmful activity due to the pressure that
Possible spelling mistake found.
youngers
always need to be able to find money to support themselves. At such a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
age it can lead to health problems such as depression together with addiction, when a person falling into the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
society, where
being addicted
from alcohol or drugs is common occurrence. Although, nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are
Possible spelling mistake found.
сhosing
thorough their surroundings,
distinctly
aware how it will affect them.

In conclusion
, the tendency associated with moving have more advantages
rather
than disadvantages,
favorably
affecting to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and students.
Also
, the younger generation, which becomes
consciously
and tries to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
all decisions in their favor, will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
shortcomings.
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IELTS essay In some countries young people move in their own homes in early twenties, in other countries they live with parents longer. What do you think, do the advantages of living alone outweigh the disadvantages?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
338 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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