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In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies.Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decide to do this

In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decide to do this YQKd
In various nations around the world, many people advocate taking a gap year in order to work or travel before beginning one’s tertiary education. While this offers a few advantages, there are also some disadvantages which are worth considering. There are two main benefits to students travelling or working before their university education. Firstly, through travelling, they will be able to expand their horizons. When students go overseas, they will be exposed to different cultures and customs. As a result, they will gain a deeper understanding of the world. In addition, students who work will learn to appreciate the value of money. This is because they will realize the hard work involved in earning money. Consequently, they would think more before purchasing anything they desire and may become less impulsive in their spending. On the other hand, various drawbacks may be noted. In the first place, travelling could cause people to feel homesick. Many students have not been apart from their family and friends before so when they travel, they may miss these people. In extreme circumstances, students may even become depressed. Additionally, students who work may not want to return to their studies. The reason for this is that they may enjoy earning money and becoming financially independent. Therefore, their whole future could be negatively affected as these days it is very important for everyone to graduate with a degree in order to be competitive in the job market. In conclusion, if students take a gap year, they could gain invaluable experience and learn to become more independent in relation to money. However, they may also become homesick and end up not continuing their studies. Therefore, it is necessary to weigh the benefits against the drawbacks carefully before coming to a decision as to whether students should go on such an adventure.
In various nations around the world,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
advocate taking a gap year in order to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
or travel
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
before
beginning one’s tertiary education. While
Did you mean "these"?
this
offers a few advantages, there are
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantages which are worth considering.

There are two main benefits to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
travelling or working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
before
their university education.
Firstly
, through travelling, they will be able to expand their horizons. When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
go overseas, they will
be exposed
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
cultures and customs.
As a result
, they will gain a deeper understanding of the world.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
will learn to appreciate the value of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they will realize the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
involved in earning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
Consequently
, they would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
before
purchasing anything they desire and may
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
less impulsive in their spending.

On the other hand
, various drawbacks may
be noted
. In the
first
place, travelling could cause
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to feel homesick.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
have not been apart from their family and friends
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
before
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
when they travel, they may miss these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. In extreme circumstances,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
may even
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
depressed.
Additionally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
may not want to return to their studies.
The reason for this is
that they may enjoy earning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and becoming
financially
independent.
Therefore
, their whole future could be
negatively
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
as these days it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for everyone to graduate with a degree in order to be competitive in the job market.

In conclusion
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
take a gap year, they could gain invaluable experience and learn to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
more independent in relation to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
However
, they may
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
homesick and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up not continuing their studies.
Therefore
, it is necessary to weigh the benefits against the drawbacks
carefully
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
before
coming to a decision
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether", or rephrase the sentence to avoid "as to".
as to whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should go on such an adventure.
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IELTS essay In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decide to do this

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
303 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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