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in some countries, young adults account for a comparatively large proportion of the population compared with older people

in some countries, young adults account for a comparatively large proportion of the population compared with older people VyYND
Today, in some countries, young adults account for a comparatively large proportion of the population compared with older people. I believe the upside of this situation far outweighs its downside because young people are the main drivers of economic growth. On the one hand, large numbers of young people can lead to high unemployment among them. Most older people already have their careers figured out. They either have stable corporate jobs or run their own businesses. In comparison, many young adults, especially those who just graduated from university, are still looking for jobs. When there are too many of them competing for the same positions, their chances of securing one are very low. However, I do not think this is a major disadvantage for young people as long as they make the leap to self-employment. On the other hand, young people are the driving force of an economy. This is because they tend to be more productive and creative than older people, and thus are more likely to bring change and innovation to their countries. Take for example the highly innovative trillion-dollar U. S. tech industry. Most employees in this industry are only in their late 20s. I think this is a great advantage for a country because a strong economy offers people a high standard of living. In conclusion, although large numbers of young adults can mean high jobless rates among them, I believe this disadvantage is greatly outweighed by the advantage that they can drive the economies to grow.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
adults account for a
comparatively
large proportion of the population compared with older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. I believe the upside of this situation far outweighs its downside
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are the main drivers of economic growth.

On the one hand, large numbers of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can lead to high unemployment among them.
Use only "older" (without 'Most') when you use the comparative.
Most older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
already have their careers figured out. They either have stable corporate jobs or run their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
businesses.
In comparison
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
adults,
especially
those who
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
graduated from university, are
still
looking for jobs. When there are too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of them competing for the same positions, their chances of securing one are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
low.
However
, I do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
this is a major disadvantage for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
as long as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the leap to self-employment.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are the driving force of an economy. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they tend to be more productive and creative than older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, and
thus
are more likely to bring
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
and innovation to their countries. Take
for example
the
highly
innovative trillion-dollar U. S. tech industry. Most employees in this industry are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
in their late 20s. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
this is a great advantage for a country
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
a strong economy offers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
a high standard of living.

In conclusion
, although large numbers of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
adults can mean high jobless rates among them, I believe this disadvantage is
greatly
outweighed by the advantage that they can drive the economies to grow.
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IELTS essay in some countries, young adults account for a comparatively large proportion of the population compared with older people

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
251 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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