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In some countries, there are fewer young people who listen to or play classical music these days. Why is this? Should young people be encouraged to play or perform classical music?

In some countries, there are fewer young people who listen to or play classical music these days. Why is this? Should young people be encouraged to play or perform classical music? lj8LW
Without music life would be a blank. Without music life would be a mistake. Without music life would be an error. Music is the weapon in the war against unhappiness. Therefore, fewer younger people are moving to listen and play music. There are so many music styles such as classical, rap, hip pop and reggae music. However, fewer younger generation addicts to classic music because of lyrics and music arrangements. As elders we need to encourage younger generation to perform and play music instruments which assist to lot of advantages. Younger generation’s minds are running behind the office works and studies. Unfortunately, they do not have enough time to spend with extra-curricular activities to get different experiences to their lives because of heavy work loads and limited time frame. Therefore, encouraging younger generation to play music will give mind relaxation which can keep mind free, and it helps to face any hurdles and obstacles in their lives. Furthermore many researches have already found that music is one of best medicine for many problems. Today most of the younger generation is addicting to drugs and unwanted tasks because of they are selecting wrong paths to spend their leisure time. Therefore, if younger generation can listen and play music instruments it will be a great investment for future health. Because classical music is like a meditation which gives better spiritual life. Therefore, listening to music and playing music instruments are key components to find happiness in our lives. However mainly classical music can change our mind in positive way which directs our lives to reach beautiful destination and save younger generation’s lives from this contaminated society.
Without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
life would be a blank. Without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
life would be a mistake.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
Without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
life would be an error.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Music
is the weapon in the war against unhappiness.
Therefore
, fewer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are moving to listen and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
styles such as classical, rap, hip pop and reggae
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
.
However
, fewer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
generation addicts to classic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of lyrics and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
arrangements.

As
The comma is probably missing here: "elders, we".
elders we
need to encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
generation to perform and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
instruments which assist to
It seems that an article is missing.
lot of
advantages.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Younger
generation’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
minds
are running behind the office works and studies. Unfortunately, they do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
time to spend with extra-curricular activities to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
experiences to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of heavy work loads and limited time frame.
Therefore
, encouraging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
generation to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
will give
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mind
relaxation which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mind
free, and it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to face any hurdles and obstacles in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Furthermore
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
researches have already found that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is one
A determiner is probably missing here: "of the best".
of best
medicine for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
problems.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
generation is addicting to drugs and unwanted tasks
Probable usage error. Use "because they" instead.
because of they
are selecting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
paths to spend their leisure time.
Therefore
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
generation can listen and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
instruments it will be a great investment for future health.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
classical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is like a meditation which gives better spiritual life.

Therefore
, listening to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
instruments are key components to find happiness in our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
mainly
classical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mind
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
way which directs our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
to reach
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
destination and save
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
generation’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
from this contaminated society.
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IELTS essay In some countries, there are fewer young people who listen to or play classical music these days. Why is this? Should young people be encouraged to play or perform classical music?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
274 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
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