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In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing What can be done to solve this...

In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing What can be done to solve this. . . 8J2w5
In a pleathora of country avarage weight of people are progressing henceforth health and fitness level of those countries are declining day by day. It is a great issue. In the forthcoming paragraphs I will analyze the topic and try to reach to a solution. To begin with, health is wealth. Overweight is a curse for a human being. A overweighted person can't do hi or her daily work easily. Moreover, some time they had to depend on other for their personal work. Furthermore, because of being fat several diseases like diabetes, high blood pressure, hormonal imbalance etc attack themselves. Again, owing to the problem they become burden of their family and society. consequently, they are bullied which damage their mental peace. Subsequently, they become depressed and sometime they gone through depression. On the contrary, people who are fit and healthy are the asset of a society. They remain cheerful and engaged with innovative work. As a result recently, increasing number of average weight is being concern. In my opinion, To solve the problem several steps can be taken. Firstly people should be concern about being healthy. They should be maintain a healthy lifestyle. They should be fitness freak and do their daily work by their own. As, most of the people are doing sedentary job they have to pay more attention on doing some physical exercise daily. Thus they can keep themselves healthy however, the society will get an asset. The government can build free gym and park so that general mass can do physical exercise. To sum up, there is no doubt that being fit is a gift of God. Community have to more fitness freak in order to be empower of a country.
In a
Possible spelling mistake found.
pleathora
of country
Possible spelling mistake found.
avarage
weight of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are progressing henceforth health and fitness level of those countries are declining day by day. It is a great issue. In the forthcoming paragraphs I will analyze the topic and try to reach to a solution.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, health is wealth. Overweight is a curse for a human being.
Use "An" instead of 'A' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
A
Possible spelling mistake found.
overweighted
person can't do hi or her daily work
easily
.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
time they had to depend on other for their personal work.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
several diseases like diabetes, high blood pressure, hormonal imbalance etc attack themselves. Again, owing to the problem they become burden of their family and society.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
consequently
, they
are bullied
which damage their mental peace.
Subsequently
, they become depressed and sometime they gone through depression.

On the contrary
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
are fit
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
are the asset of a society. They remain cheerful and engaged with innovative work.

As a result
recently, increasing number of average weight is being concern.

In my opinion, To solve the problem several steps can
be taken
.
Firstly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should be concern about being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
. They should be
Consider using the past participle "maintained"?
maintain
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
lifestyle. They should be fitness freak and do their daily work by their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
, most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are doing sedentary job they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
pay more attention on doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
physical exercise daily.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
themselves
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
however
, the society will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
an asset. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
can build free gym and park
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that general mass can do physical exercise.

To sum up, there is no doubt that
being fit
is a gift of God. Community
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
more fitness freak in order to be
Consider using a past participle here: "empowered".
empower
of a country.
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IELTS essay In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing What can be done to solve this. . .

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
286 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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