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In some countries people's weight has significantly increased while their level of health have decreased. What do you think may be the causes of this problem? What solutions can you suggest to solve this problem? v.2

In some countries people's weight has significantly increased while their level of health have decreased. What do you think may be the causes of this problem? What solutions can you suggest to solve this problem? v. 2
In some countries, the level of health of the people has decreased while people's weight has significantly increased. This may cause by many issues, but the popular factor is because they are eating too many unhealthy foods such as; fried chicken, fried potato and candy. The solution to solve this problem is to guide these individuals to eat more healthy dishes. Nowadays, fast foods are very popular and have been eating by many people, unfortunately, they are not always healthy, because eating too many fried foods may cause harmful effects on the health of individuals, and lead to disease such as; fatty liver, stroke. Furthermore, not only fried foods can cause health problems, but eating too many sugars may also lead to diabetes. Even though, there are many solutions to solve this problem, such as; using Xylitol to replace sugar in candy, frying ingredients with less oil, the most efficient solution is convincing the people to use less unhealthy foods. By guiding the people to replace unhealthy foods with a more healthy foods, such as; salad, boiled seafood, this will help people recover. Furthermore, by following the healthy diet, the risks of having health problems will decrease, because people will no longer taking cholesterol into their dishes, but more fibre and good nutritions from vegetables and fishes, respectively. In summary, if the people consuming many unhealthy foods their level of health will decreasing, hence, in order to increasing their level of health, they will need to enhance their lifestyle, for instance; by eating more healthy foods and doing more exercise.
In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries, the level of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
has decreased while
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's weight has
significantly
increased. This may cause by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
issues,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the popular factor is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eating
too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
such as;
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fried
chicken,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fried
potato and candy. The solution to solve this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
is to guide these individuals to eat more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
dishes.

Nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
popular and have been
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eating
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, unfortunately, they are not always
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eating
too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fried
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
may cause harmful effects on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
of individuals, and lead to disease such as; fatty liver, stroke.
Furthermore
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fried
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
can cause
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eating
too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
sugars may
also
lead to diabetes.
Even though
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
solutions to solve this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
, such as; using
Possible spelling mistake found.
Xylitol
to replace sugar in candy, frying ingredients with less oil, the most efficient solution is convincing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unhealthy
foods.

By guiding the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to replace
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
with a more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
, such as; salad, boiled seafood, this will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
recover.
Furthermore
, by following the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
diet, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
of having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
will decrease,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will no longer taking cholesterol into their dishes,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
more
Possible spelling mistake. 'fibre' is British English.
fibre
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
Possible spelling mistake found.
nutritions
from vegetables and fishes,
respectively
.

In summary, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
consuming
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
their level of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
will
The verb 'will' requires the base form of the verb: "decrease"
decreasing
,
hence
, in order to
Did you mean "increase"?
increasing
their level of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
, they will need to enhance their lifestyle,
for instance
; by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eating
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
and doing more exercise.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
43Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
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IELTS essay In some countries people's weight has significantly increased while their level of health have decreased. What do you think may be the causes of this problem? What solutions can you suggest to solve this problem? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
260 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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