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In some countries, parents want their children to focus on their studies only. Because of this, many young people do not get their first job until after college. In other countries, many children get their first part-time job while still in high school. Which approach do you think is better? Why? v.2

In some countries, parents want their children to focus on their studies only. Because of this, many young people do not get their first job until after college. In other countries, many children get their first part-time job while still in high school. Which approach do you think is better? Why? v. 2
Although today’s younger generation is altering their living style by opting job at a young age. In many nations, parents’ emphasize on children to excel in their field, to secure their future. While in many countries, many students who are in higher secondary opt for work in their leisure time; however, I think the latter approach is ideal because it will teach them the importance of money and managing both personal and professional lives. First of all, when a higher secondary student chose to do part-time work, they understand the value of money and learn it’s important. Also, in many countries, school fees is extremely expensive and living expense as well, thereby doing a job in pastimes will help them to pay dues and other school expenses. Consequently, they will gain new experiences and explores real world which they will face after acquiring degree and learn an abundance of practical knowledge, which helps them to hone their skills. Moreover, it will help them to be productive at work and enlighten their career in the future. Additionally, they will learn to manage personal and professional life, which would be most beneficial for them in the future. In other words, managing work and personal life are difficult task for everyone in their future, for instance, many companies urges employees to work overtime sometimes to complete work at given deadline, due to that they usually do not have time for their fiancé or for themselves. Consequently, their relationship affect the most because of lack of managing skills and therefore honing these skills at a young age would be best for them. In contrast, parents’ who emphasize their child to focus on their studies rather than doing work, obtain highly paid job in prestigious company and perform well in their job. But usually they lack in productivity, management and understanding which has adverse effects and it may affect their work life. In conclusion, gaining essential skills and techniques is one of the most significant aspect for students; however, I think they should encourage to do part-time job at an early age to enhance their practical knowledge and skills.
“Although” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Although
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s younger generation is altering their living style by opting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
at a young age. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
nations, parents’ emphasize on children to excel in their field, to secure their future. While in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
students who are in higher secondary opt for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in their leisure time;
however
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
the latter approach is ideal
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it will teach them the importance of money and managing both personal and professional
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, when a higher secondary student chose to do part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, they understand the value of money and learn it’s
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
.
Also
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries, school fees is
extremely
expensive and living expense
as well
, thereby doing a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
in pastimes will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to pay dues and other school expenses.
Consequently
, they will gain new experiences and explores real world which they will face after acquiring degree and learn an abundance of practical knowledge, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to hone their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
.
Moreover
, it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to be productive at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and enlighten their career in the future.

Additionally
, they will learn to manage personal and professional life, which would be most beneficial for them in the future.
In other words
, managing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and personal life are difficult task for everyone in their future,
for instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
urges employees to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
overtime
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
to complete
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
deadline, due to that they
usually
do not have time for their fiancé or for themselves.
Consequently
, their relationship affect the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of lack of managing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
and
therefore
honing these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
at a young age would be best for them.

In contrast
, parents’ who emphasize their child to focus on their studies
rather
than doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, obtain
highly
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
in prestigious
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
and perform well in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
usually
they lack in productivity, management and understanding which has adverse effects and it may affect their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
life.

In conclusion
, gaining essential
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
and techniques is one of the most significant aspect for students;
however
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
they should encourage
Did you mean "doing"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'encourage' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to do
part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
at an early age to enhance their practical knowledge and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
.
21Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay In some countries, parents want their children to focus on their studies only. Because of this, many young people do not get their first job until after college. In other countries, many children get their first part-time job while still in high school. Which approach do you think is better? Why? v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
354 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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