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In some countries, parents encourage their teenage children to get a part-time job while in other countries this does not happen. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion

In some countries, parents encourage their teenage children to get a part-time job while in other countries this does not happen. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion 2xMV6
It is common and normal to see that teens are often encouraged by their parents to become a freelancer for a few hours per week. Personally, I believe that having a part-time job is beneficial for teenage childrens. The obvious benefit is that students can enhance their social skills, for instance communication skills. Having a part-time job, like a fast food attendant and a tutorial teacher, often have to communicate with customers frequently which can improve their communication skills. Furthermore, they can also understand the importance of team working by sharing jobs with other employees, which is crucial for them as they will have many group projects when they are having their advanced studies. In addition, they can learn how to spend their time more wisely by having better management between work and study. Moreover, they can save money while having their job and not being dependent on their parents anymore. However, some parents claim that their children should not have part-time work while they are still studying. They believe that their children are not mature enough to be able to balance their time between work and studies. They argue that teens should focus more on their studies rather than work, as they need to have better results in order to have a more delightful future. In conclusion, while some of them may be against the idea of teens having a part-time job during school. I cannot see having a part-time job for a few hours will do them any harm. That is why I believe their parents should encourage teens to get a part-time job.
It is common and normal to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teens
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
encouraged by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to become a freelancer for a few hours per week.
Personally
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
a part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
is beneficial for teenage
Possible spelling mistake found.
childrens
.

The obvious benefit is that students can enhance their social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
,
for instance
communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Having
a part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
, like a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food attendant and a tutorial teacher,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
communicate with customers
frequently
which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
Furthermore
, they can
also
understand the importance of team working by sharing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
with other employees, which is crucial for them as they will have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
group projects when they are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
their advanced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
.
In addition
, they can learn how to spend their time more
wisely
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
better management between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
.
Moreover
, they can save money while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
and not being dependent on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
anymore.

However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
claim that their children should not have part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
while they are
still
studying. They believe that their children are not mature
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to be able to balance their time between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
. They argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teens
should focus more on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, as they need to have better results in order to have a more delightful future.

In conclusion
, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them may be against the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teens
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
a part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
during school. I cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
a part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
for a few hours will do them any harm.
That is
why I believe their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teens
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
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IELTS essay In some countries, parents encourage their teenage children to get a part-time job while in other countries this does not happen. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
266 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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