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in some countries, more young and more young adults to live with parents even after they have completed education and found job

in some countries, more young and more young adults to live with parents even after they have completed education and found job gGnVD
In some nations, more young more young matures to live with their parents subsequently smooth they have accomplished instruction and found occupation. Despite some obvious disadvantages of this trend, I believe that these are outweighed by the disadvantages. On the other hand, there are a number of major drawbacks when we don`t live with our families. The first drawback is this trend would make you alone. People who lonesome can`t have parents to take care of them and share some stories. Correspondingly, adults devote a large amount of their time to browse the internet or spend on online entertainment activities. The secondly negative is the time when they want to visit their parents about daily life or anything like health. It is mostly obstructed, so it should be replaced by communication, instead of meeting face to face. Another weakness is away from home and miss family because of the habit of staying with relatives for a long time. At that time, you really wanted to eat the meal mother cooked and watch TV with my father. On the other hand, I believe that the benefits are more significant than such disadvantages. Firstly, they taking care of everything at domestic by themselves. They do all over the work should be done such as cooking, washing clothes, cleaning house so that helps them to be independent. Secondly, people who live alone go to work to win cash. Thanks to money, which is source of incomes that helps them pay their finances. For example, there are household appliances that to be purchased more to serve life. Thirdly, After a tiring day, having a private to have fun and relax is their expectation. There are many ways to relax such as inviting friends to the restaurant, chatting together. Finally, this is the stage where you can grow up rely on you are enriched your knowledge. Due to, you learn more skills when you have to do everything yourself. In conclusion, I would argue that adults whose live alone bring more benefits than drawbacks.
In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
nations,
This phrase is duplicated. You should probably leave only "more young".
more young more young
matures to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
with their parents
subsequently
smooth they have accomplished instruction and found occupation. Despite
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
obvious disadvantages of this trend, I believe that these
are outweighed
by the disadvantages.

On the other hand
, there are a number of major drawbacks when we
You used an accent character instead of an apostrophe. Please use either "don't" or "don’t".
don`t
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
with our families. The
first
drawback is this trend would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
you alone.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
A noun should not follow 'who'. Try changing to a verb or maybe to "who is a lonesome".
who lonesome
You used an accent character instead of an apostrophe. Please use either "can't" or "can’t".
can`t
have parents to take care of them and share
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
stories.
Correspondingly
, adults devote a large amount of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to browse the internet or spend on online entertainment activities. The
secondly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
when they want to visit their parents about daily life or anything like health. It is
mostly
obstructed,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it should
be replaced
by communication,
instead
of meeting face to face. Another weakness is away from home and miss family
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the habit of staying with relatives for a long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. At that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, you
really
wanted to eat the meal mother cooked and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
TV with my father.

On the other hand
, I believe that the benefits are more significant than such disadvantages.
Firstly
,
Did you mean "they're taking", "they are taking", or "they were taking"?
they taking
care of everything at domestic by themselves. They do all over the work should
be done
such as cooking, washing clothes, cleaning
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to be independent.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
alone go to work to win cash. Thanks to money, which is source of incomes that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them pay their finances.
For example
, there are household appliances that to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchased
more to serve life.
Thirdly
, After a tiring day, having a private to have fun and relax is their expectation. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways to relax such as inviting friends to the restaurant, chatting together.
Finally
, this is the stage where you can grow up rely on you
are enriched
your knowledge. Due to, you learn more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
when you
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
do everything yourself.

In conclusion
, I would argue that adults whose
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
alone bring more benefits than drawbacks.
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IELTS essay in some countries, more young and more young adults to live with parents even after they have completed education and found job

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
339 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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