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In recent years, the structure of a family and the role of its member are gradually changing. What kind of changes can occur? Do you think these changes are positive or negative? v.2

In recent years, the structure of a family and the role of its member are gradually changing. What kind of changes can occur? Do you think these changes are positive or negative? v. 2
There is sufficient evidence to infer that these days the patterns of a family have greatly diversified. Some if the main changes will be identified and from my observation, these changes can be seen as an advantageous progress. Families at present have undergone two main differences compared to the past. Firstly, it is undeniable that the average size of the family is reduced. For example, there is the likelihood that a majority of extended families of three generations or more living under the same roof in the 90s in Vietnam have been transformed into the nuclear family with only parents and their children. Another important change is linked to the fact that in the modern society the women lead more independent life, followed by having more than one breadwinner in the family. Nowadays, women have not governed the household task because they have equal opportunities for education and work, which lead to several cases that the men need to assume responsibilities to take care of the children and the housework. I hold the firm belief that the family and the society can greatly benefit from this tendency. The main positive effect is that the nuclear families have financially stable resource. Therefore, it not only provides young generation with a golden opportunity to approach the high-quality education but also facilitate positively for children’s health. Furthermore, no sooner do women play more important role in the budget of the family than they are able to participate in the essential decision in the family. Hence, women can follow their dream and gain more achievements in their career path. In conclusion, it is no doubt that there is a revolution in the structure of the family and the right of its members and I am in support of the opinion that this is a profitable development.
There is sufficient evidence to infer that these days the patterns of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
have
greatly
diversified.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
if the main
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
will
be identified
and from my observation, these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
as
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "advantageous progress".
an advantageous progress
.

Families at present have undergone two main differences compared to the past.
Firstly
, it is undeniable that the average size of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
.
For example
, there is the likelihood that a majority of extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
of three generations or more living under the same roof in the 90s in Vietnam have
been transformed
into the nuclear
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
parents and their children. Another
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
is linked
to the fact that in the modern society the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
lead more independent life, followed by having more than one breadwinner in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
. Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
have not governed the household task
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have equal opportunities for education and work, which lead to several cases that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
need to assume responsibilities to take care of the children and the housework.

I hold the firm belief that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and the society can
greatly
benefit from this tendency. The main
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effect is that the nuclear
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
have
financially
stable resource.
Therefore
, it not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
provides young generation with a golden opportunity to approach the high-quality education
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
facilitate
positively
for children’s health.
Furthermore
, no sooner do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
play more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in the budget of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
than they are able to participate in the essential decision in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
can follow their dream and gain more achievements in their career path.

In conclusion
, it is no doubt that there is a revolution in the structure of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and the right of its
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
members and
I am in support of the opinion that this is a profitable development.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay In recent years, the structure of a family and the role of its member are gradually changing. What kind of changes can occur? Do you think these changes are positive or negative? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
302 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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