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In recent years, many small local shops have been closed because customers travel to large shopping centers or malls to do their shopping. is this a positive or negative develpoment? v.1

In recent years, many small local shops have been closed because customers travel to large shopping centers or malls to do their shopping. is this a positive or negative develpoment? v. 1
There are two concepts about the age of learning children, which are opposite to each others. First point of view, children have to start going to school after being six or seven years old. One the other hand, others think that they have to go as early as possible. It will be more beneficiary, if they start their study early. Firstly, one of the benefits of early of learning is that, it will be easy for the person at the childhood stage to assimilate knowledge he get. That is because of the ability to learn which is high in this period of life. For example, the children who start going to the nurseries at small life, like three or four years, will never forget the simple things the he will learn, such as, colours, shapes, and also the names of animals. Furthermore, the important question is, what is the effect of going early to school for the children? Of course, it will be a positive effect on their personalities, because they will not be only independent, but they will get more data at a young age, which will give them an advantage over the others who are in the same life. For instance, the children that begin early education are more superior than their colleagues, due to the knowledge that they had learned before. To conclude, the decision of parents will affect the whole personality of children either positively or negatively. They have to exploit the children' skills of learning and give them the chance to learn in small age. Hence, they will be more responsible when they grow up.
There are two concepts about the age of learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, which are opposite to each
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "other"?
others
.
First
point of view,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
going to school after being six or seven years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
.
Did you mean "on"?
One
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
go as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
as possible. It will be more beneficiary, if they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
their study early.

Firstly
, one of the benefits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
of learning is that, it will be easy for the person at the childhood stage to assimilate knowledge he
The pronoun 'he' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "gets", "got".
get
.
That is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the ability to learn which is high in this period of life.
For example
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
going to the nurseries at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
life, like three or four years, will never forget the simple things
Possible typo. Did you mean "the" or "he"?
the he
will learn, such as,
Possible spelling mistake. 'colours' is British English.
colours
, shapes, and
also
the names of animals.

Furthermore
, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
question is, what is the effect of going
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
to school for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
?
Of course
, it will be a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effect on their personalities,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they will not be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
independent,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more data at a young age, which will give them an advantage over the others who are in the same life.
For instance
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
education are
The adjective 'more' is normally used with to and does not need 'more' (so called implicit comparative). Probably you need to write: "superior to".
more superior than
their colleagues, due to the knowledge that they had learned
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.

To conclude
, the decision of parents will affect the whole personality of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
either
positively
or
negatively
. They
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
exploit the children'
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
of learning and give them the chance to learn in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
age.
Hence
, they will be more responsible when they grow up.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
The limits of my language mean the limits of my world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay In recent years, many small local shops have been closed because customers travel to large shopping centers or malls to do their shopping. is this a positive or negative develpoment? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
270 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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