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In our days, more and more teenagers decide to commit to some kind of temporary job in the summer. Outline the advantages and disadvantages of this trend.

In our days, more and more teenagers decide to commit to some kind of temporary job in the summer. They do this mainly for financial reasons, even though there are other motivations behind their decisions. While there are considerable benefits to working in the summer, there are also drawbacks that should be taken into account. To begin with, we should consider the benefits of working in the summer. One main reason adolescents decides to get a job at this period is because they need some extra pocket money. In this way, they can be more independent and responsible in their life. Furthermore, it is a great change for young people to do things for their CV, so they have the opportunity to get the work experience that they will need in their future dream work. It must be admitted, however, that working in this young age may have some disadvantages too. First of all, due to the fact that they are young and they do not know many things about how to control their time it is possible do not have free time for hobbies. No time for hobbies means and no free time for their self. Finally, the lack of free time may lead and to the no time for socialisation with their friends. As a result, working teenagers can not spend enough time with their close persons at summer period. All in all, it seems that many adolescents decide to get a temporary job in the summer. This may lead to something good or bad for their life even in the present time or even at the future. Personally, I believe that adolescents haves a great opportunities to earn from this experience if they have the free and appropriate time to do this.
In our days, more and more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
decide to commit to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
kind of temporary job in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
summer
. They do this
mainly
for financial reasons,
even though
there are other motivations behind their decisions. While there are considerable benefits to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
summer
, there are
also
drawbacks that should
be taken
into account.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, we should consider the benefits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
summer
. One main reason adolescents decides to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a job at this period is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they need
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extra pocket money. In this way, they can be more independent and responsible in their life.
Furthermore
, it is a great
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
for young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to

do things for their CV,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they have the opportunity to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the work experience that they will need in their future dream work.

It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be admitted
,
however
, that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
in this young age may have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantages too.
Often, this adverbial phrase is redundant. Consider using “first”.
First of all
, due to the fact that they are
Use a comma before ‘and’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
young and
they do not know
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
things about how to control their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
it is possible do not have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for hobbies. No
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for hobbies means and no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for their self.
Finally
, the lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
may lead and to the no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for
Possible spelling mistake. ‘socialisation’ is British English.
socialisation
with their friends. As

a result,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
can not spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their close persons at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
summer
period.

All in all, it seems that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
adolescents decide to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a temporary job in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
summer
. This may lead to something
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
for their life even in the present
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
or even at the future.
Personally
, I believe that adolescents haves
The plural noun “opportunities” cannot be used with the article “a”. Did you mean “a great opportunity” or “great opportunities”?
a great opportunities
to earn from this experience if they have the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
and

appropriate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to do this.
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IELTS essay In our days, more and more teenagers decide to commit to some kind of temporary job in the summer. Outline the advantages and disadvantages of this trend.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
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