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In most developed countries shopping is not only about buying the goods you need, it is also perceived as entertainment. Is it a positive or negative development? v.4

In most developed countries shopping is not only about buying the goods you need, it is also perceived as entertainment. Is it a positive or negative development? v. 4
The foremost priority of any human being is to fulfil his basic needs, but in affluent nations people tend to take things for granted, and start buying things which they don’t even require. It is very common among nations where people don’t value life and money. In my opinion, it’s a negative progression that we are seeing where people living in developed countries are considering shopping as a means of entertaining themselves. Among the various ill effects of, buying items just for the sake of amusement, is the wastage of precious occasion of ours, which we could put into something constructive that could later on can help us getting a good job. Think of the moment, which we are spending unnecessarily in malls and departmental stores: valuable moment can be utilized to develop a skill which would be helpful for our future as playing chess would help our critical thinking and make us better strategist. Along with the waste of occasion, we are losing our hard-earned money, which can be expended on essential items, or save it as savings for future needs. Indeed, we must take drastic measures and should start thinking about what we are doing with our wealth and day. One of the biggest misconceptions of people is the ability to differentiate between essential goods and non-essential goods. It is because of it, which has resulted in people indulging in activities as spending their precious money on equipment which they don’t even need. The people in the wealthiest nation need to realize the demerits of shopping without a purpose, and how they are causing trouble to themselves as well as people living in poor nations. As people housing in poor nations, more than often tend to have shortages of even the essential goods in their nation as people in more advanced countries have unnecessarily bought those items. To sum up, we must realize that we are behaving irresponsible by treating shopping as a means of entertainment. The behaviour is very childish and is taking our society in very bad directions, which could have catastrophic consequence in the future.
The foremost priority of any human being is to fulfil his basic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in affluent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to take things for granted, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
buying things which they don’t even require. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
common among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
don’t value life and money. In my opinion, it’s a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
progression that we are seeing where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
living in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
are considering shopping as a means of entertaining themselves.

Among the various ill effects of, buying items
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
for the sake of amusement, is the wastage of precious occasion of ours, which we could put into something constructive that could later on can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
us
The verb 'later' is used with an infinitive: "to get" or "get".
getting
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
job.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Think
of the moment, which we are spending
unnecessarily
in malls and departmental stores: valuable moment can
be utilized
to develop a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
which would be helpful for our future as playing chess would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
our critical thinking and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
us better strategist. Along with the waste of occasion, we are losing our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
-earned money, which can
be expended
on essential items, or save it as savings for future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
.
Indeed
, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
take drastic measures and should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
thinking about what we are doing with our wealth and day.

One of the biggest misconceptions of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
is the ability to differentiate between essential
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
goods
and non-essential
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
goods
. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of it, which has resulted in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
indulging in activities as spending their precious money on equipment which they don’t even
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the wealthiest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to realize the demerits of shopping without a purpose, and how they are causing trouble to themselves
as well
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
living in poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
. As
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
housing in poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
, more than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
tend to have shortages of even the essential
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
goods
in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in more advanced countries have
unnecessarily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
those items.

To sum up, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
realize that we are behaving irresponsible by treating shopping as a means of entertainment. The
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
childish and is taking our society in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
directions, which could have catastrophic consequence in the future.
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay In most developed countries shopping is not only about buying the goods you need, it is also perceived as entertainment. Is it a positive or negative development? v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
350 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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