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In many places, people’s lifestyles are changing very rapidly and this is affecting family relationships. Do the advantages of these developments outweigh the disadvantages?

In many places, people’s lifestyles are changing very rapidly and this is affecting family relationships. Do the advantages of these developments outweigh the disadvantages? XobmY
In the present age, dramatic alterations are witnessed in the lifestyles of humans that influence the connection between family members. In my view, this tendency is both advantages and disadvantages. On one hand, the significant changes in lifestyles today lead to many positive impacts on family relationships. First is the parallel with the technological revolution, . . . therefore, people could easily communicate with friends and family members who are separated by long distance. For instance, if studying abroad students feel homesick, they will meet parents indirectly by phone with several functions or will keep in touch with friends on social media. Secondly, various improved and positive lifestyles are chosen by many people and they usually ensure family also to move in that direction. Therefore, it is not only establishing more similar behaviors and hobbies but also becoming an indispensable part of society. On the other hand, there are some drawbacks of family relationships that result from how do people live. To begin with, the time to be concerned about money and social standing is more than for spent with family, hence, the attachment between family members is observable decrease. There is no shortage of divorce families because parents could not take time for each other and look after their children. Furthermore, because of globalization, people, who quickly update and are deeply influenced by international trends, are usually youth. For that reason, the generation gap exists clearly in many expend-family and generates many conflicts. In conclusion, while there are plenty of advantages to family relationships, however, the opposites of the alterations in people’s lifestyle also have negatives.
In the present age, dramatic alterations
are witnessed
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyles
of humans that influence the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
connection between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members. In my view, this tendency is both advantages and disadvantages.

On one hand, the significant
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyles
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
lead to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impacts on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
relationships.
First
is the parallel with the technological revolution
Did you just mean "," or "."?
, .
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could
easily
communicate with friends and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members who
are separated
by long distance.
For instance
, if studying abroad students feel homesick, they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
parents
indirectly
by phone with several functions or will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
in touch with friends on social media.
Secondly
, various
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyles
are chosen
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
people and
they
usually
ensure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
also
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
in that direction.
Therefore
, it is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
establishing more similar behaviors and hobbies
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
becoming an indispensable part of society.

On the other hand
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
relationships that result from how do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the time to
be concerned
about money and social standing is more than for spent with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
,
hence
, the attachment between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members is observable decrease. There is no shortage of divorce
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
parents could not take time for each other and look after their children.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of globalization,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, who
quickly
update and are
deeply
influenced by international trends, are
usually
youth. For that reason, the generation gap exists
clearly
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
expend-family and generates
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
conflicts.

In conclusion
, while there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of advantages to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
relationships,
however
, the opposites of the alterations in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
also
have negatives.
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IELTS essay In many places, people’s lifestyles are changing very rapidly and this is affecting family relationships. Do the advantages of these developments outweigh the disadvantages?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
267 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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