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In many countries today, Major cities have become too big and overcrowded. Why is this? What measures could be taken to reduce this problem? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. v.1

In many countries today, Major cities have become too big and overcrowded. Why is this? What measures could be taken to reduce this problem? v. 1
In recent times women’s right has sparked great debates about whether women should have identical chance to choose their occupations or they should do housework and take care of their children. I do believe that they should be given an equal right to men so that they can decide about their own jobs. On one hand, several people especially men feel that it is better for women to stay at their house and keep doing housework as well as raising their children. A strong reason for this is that majority of women naturally born to be weaker than men; thus, doing works at their home is much safer. In addition, it is well known that the females are better at doing these tasks. For example, a latest study found that women can raise their children more proper than men. However, I disagree with this view as there are some women who have abilities to do jobs outside their house. On the other hand, some people think that women should be the ones who make their decision about this. This is because they feel that women do some tasks which required focus and patient much better than men. For instance, A research concluded that employers prefer female workers than male workers in accounting, teaching young people, and advertising. Consequently, I really believe that we should let each woman to decide her job based on her skills whether she wants to stay at their home and to take care of their housework and children or not. In conclusion, even if somebody think that women suit with doing unharmful tasks at their house. I feel that some jobs are more suitable for them than men. Therefore, they must be given an equal right to decide their own careers.
In recent times
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women’s
right has sparked great debates about whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should have identical chance to choose their
Use a comma before 'or' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
occupations or
they should do housework and take care of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. I do believe that they should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
an equal right to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can decide about their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
jobs.

On one hand, several
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
especially
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
feel that it is better for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
to stay at their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
housework
as well
as raising their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. A strong reason for this is that majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
naturally
born to be weaker than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
;
thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
works at their home is much safer.
In addition
, it is well known that the females are better at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
these tasks.
For example
,
Use "the" with the superlative.
a
latest study found that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
can raise their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
more proper than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
.
However
, I disagree with this view as there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
who have abilities to do jobs outside their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should be the ones who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their decision about this. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they feel that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
tasks which required focus and patient much better than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
.
For instance
,
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "research".
A research
concluded that employers prefer female workers than male workers in accounting, teaching young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, and advertising.
Consequently
, I
really
believe that we should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
each woman to decide her job based on her
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
whether she wants to stay at their home and to take care of their housework and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
or not.

In conclusion
, even if somebody
The pronoun 'somebody' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "thinks", "thought".
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
suit with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
unharmful tasks at their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
. I feel that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
jobs are more suitable for them than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
.
Therefore
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
an equal right to decide their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
careers.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay In many countries today, Major cities have become too big and overcrowded. Why is this? What measures could be taken to reduce this problem? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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