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In many countries the rich are becoming richer and the poor are becoming poorer. Why is this problem? What solutions are there to tackle this problem? v.2

In many countries the rich are becoming richer and the poor are becoming poorer. Why is this problem? What solutions are there to tackle this problem? v. 2
It has been notable that there is an obvious economic gap between citizens, in several countries. While some individuals’ fortunes grow significantly, others clearly become poorer. In my opinion the major cause of this trend is the lack of fairness. However, this issue could be mitigated by both education and regulations. To begin with, the unjust distribution of nations’ resources has affected the economic standard of their citizens. To clarify, many countries give affluent people countless benefits to improve their businesses. This has been done with indentation of enhancing the economic state of these countries. Not only do these countries facilitate governmental procedures for those wealthy people’s businesses, they also offer them a myriad of facilities. Naguib Saweras, a business tycoon in Egypt, who is counted as one of the ten most wealthy people in the world, had bought about 3000 hectares of agricultural land in upper Egypt with at the quarter of its true price. This could not happen without a legal vacuum in Egyptian law. Hence, these situation unfair give the perfect opportunity to these rich individuals to increase their fortune legally. On the other hand, two possible measures could be taken to resolve this developing/growing issue. Firstly, ensure free state education for citizens. To illustrate, Germany provides education with no tuition fees to ensure the prosperity of all its people. This could narrow the economic gap between these citizens by improving their academic qualities and enhancing their career opportunities. Secondly, strict rules should be enforced to encourage unemployed people to earn their living. Social aid, for example, helps workless people to meet their needs. Therefore, if authorities launch law to limit this aid for a 6-month period, this would possibly motivate jobless people to do their best to get a job and gain a good income. Thus, if these measures were taken, the troubles would be by no means insurmountable. To conclude, having discussed both the major cause and solutions of the standard of living gap in many countries, it seems to me that the deficiency of justice is the most culpable cause to increase this trend. However, offering free education and updating benefit regulations possibly alleviate this problem.
It has been notable that there is an obvious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
gap between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
, in several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals’ fortunes grow
significantly
, others
clearly
become poorer. In my opinion the major cause of this trend is the lack of fairness.
However
, this issue could
be mitigated
by both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
and regulations.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the unjust distribution of nations’ resources has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
standard of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
. To clarify,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
give affluent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
countless benefits to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their businesses. This has
been done
with indentation of enhancing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
state of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
do these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
facilitate governmental procedures for those wealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
businesses, they
also
offer them a myriad of facilities.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Naguib
Possible spelling mistake found.
Saweras
, a business tycoon in Egypt, who
is counted
as one of the ten most wealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the world, had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
about 3000 hectares of agricultural land in upper Egypt with at the quarter of its true price. This could not happen without a legal vacuum in Egyptian law.
Hence
,
Did you mean "this situation" or "these situations"?
these situation
unfair give the perfect opportunity to these rich individuals to increase their fortune
legally
.

On the other hand
, two possible measures could
be taken
to resolve this developing/growing issue.
Firstly
, ensure free state
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
. To illustrate, Germany provides
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
with no tuition fees to ensure the prosperity of all its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. This could narrow the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
gap between these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
by improving their academic qualities and enhancing their career opportunities.
Secondly
, strict
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
should
be enforced
to encourage unemployed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to earn their living. Social aid,
for example
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
Possible spelling mistake found.
workless
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their needs.
Therefore
, if authorities launch law to limit this aid for a 6-month period, this would
possibly
motivate jobless
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to do their best to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a job and gain a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
income.
Thus
, if these measures
were taken
, the troubles would be by no means insurmountable.

To conclude
, having discussed both the major cause and solutions of the standard of living gap in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, it seems to me that the deficiency of justice is the most culpable cause to increase this trend.
However
, offering free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
and updating benefit regulations
possibly
alleviate this problem.
16Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay In many countries the rich are becoming richer and the poor are becoming poorer. Why is this problem? What solutions are there to tackle this problem? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
362 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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