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In many countries, the amount of crime is increasing. What do you think are the main causes of crime? How can we deal with those causes? v.9

In many countries, the amount of crime is increasing. What do you think are the main causes of crime? How can we deal with those causes? v. 9
The growth of crime rate is alarming in many nations lead to serious problems. Therefore, it is not only important to identify the causes, but also to find methods to address it. Although, there are numerous sources that leads to higher crime rates, according to me, there are 2 prime causes. Firstly, it is the unemployment, which roots to many violences and crimes. When a person does not have an employment, then basically, he does not have money to get cater his or the family’s need. For example, while unemployed, a man does have money to feed himself and his family and due which he may be forced to do unlawful activities such as stealing. On the other hand, lack of security is also a main reason to increase in crimes. In many areas there are no adequate number of police to protect them. Hence, those places become vulnerable to activities such as theft, snatching, and so on. To explain, areas with less police protection are the ones that have highest rape cases registered, according to the latest survey. While it is important to understand the reasons for crime, it is equally crucial to address it. To solve unemployment, the government should implement radical changes in the economy, like liberalizing the economy for more industries and companies. By way of this, more business activities will nurture more employment. Also the government should consider beefing up for the police protection, at least in the prime areas. In case the policy does not have enough strength to protect all areas, they should consider installing surveillance cameras that helps the force to monitor multiple places at the same time. To conclude, by addressing the root causes, employment and lack of police protection, it is certain to reduce the crime rate and have a peaceful life.
The growth of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
rate is alarming in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
nations lead to serious problems.
Therefore
, it is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to identify the causes,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
to find methods to address it.

Although, there are numerous sources that leads to higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
rates, according to me, there are 2 prime causes.
Firstly
, it is the unemployment, which roots to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
violences and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
. When a person
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
does
not have an employment, then
basically
, he
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
does
not have money to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
cater his or the family’s need.
For example
, while unemployed, a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
does
have money to feed himself and his family and
It appears that a preposition is missing after 'due'.
due which
he may
be forced
to do unlawful activities such as stealing.
On the other hand
, lack of security is
also
a main reason to increase in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
there are no adequate number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
police
to protect them.
Hence
, those places become vulnerable to activities such as theft, snatching, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
with
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun police is countable.
less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
police
protection are the ones that have
A determiner is probably missing here: "the highest".
highest
rape cases registered, according to the latest survey.

While it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to understand the reasons for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
, it is
equally
crucial to address it. To solve unemployment, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should implement radical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in the economy, like liberalizing the economy for more industries and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
. By way of this, more business activities will nurture more employment.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should consider beefing up for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
police
protection, at least in the prime
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
. In case the policy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
does
not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
strength to protect all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
, they should consider installing surveillance cameras that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
the force to monitor multiple places at the same time.

To conclude
, by addressing the root causes, employment and lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
police
protection, it is certain to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
rate and have a peaceful life.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay In many countries, the amount of crime is increasing. What do you think are the main causes of crime? How can we deal with those causes? v. 9

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
302 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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