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In many countries , students take one year break off from their studies after finishing there secondary school education for travel and work . Do you think it is a positive or negative development .

In many countries, students take one year break off from their studies after finishing there secondary school education for travel and work. Do you think it is a positive or negative development. m3oRr
In some Nations, number of pupils prefer to take break of a year before their tertiary education. Although, certain pessimistic outcomes are associated with it yet this occurrence seems to be constructive one. To commence with, the main reason of this is relaxation and multiculturalism which makes it Optimistic development. Due to regular studies scholars face a lot pressure and they need break which helps to students in giving freshness ti their brain and body. To be more precise, after completing scholastic education numerous students choose to history related subjects in which they need the knowledge of different nations and cultures. If they take interval Break then they can learn more about other cultures and also they can learn new languages by visiting various places. It might be helpfull in their tertiary education. Also, they become multiculturalism and they can learn beauty of world as well as behaviour of people. As a result, it help in widening the horizons of information. And another reason is improvement of social health and saving of funds. If students take interval Break then they can work and save money for their work expanses which reduce the their parents financial burden. Also, it makes independent to students as well as makes their relationships more stronger with other family members because they get more spare time to spend with them. However, on the side of negative improvement. First and foremost, they might be distract from their studies. Because there concentration power will be reducing and it also put adverse effect on their grades. Secondly, the wastage of money. If they travel then they need large amount of money and for it they ask to their parents which might be create financial issues in their family. To canclude, even though, this has more constructive development but it's negative effects can not be overlooked, in terms of distraction from studies and wastage of money.
In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Nations, number of pupils prefer to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
break
of a year
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
their tertiary education. Although, certain pessimistic outcomes
are associated
with it
yet
this occurrence seems to be constructive one. To commence with, the main reason of this is relaxation and multiculturalism which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
it Optimistic development. Due to regular studies scholars face
If you mean a great quantity, use "a lot of pressure"?
a lot pressure
and they need
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
break
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in giving freshness ti their brain and body. To be more precise, after completing scholastic education numerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
choose to history related subjects in which they need the knowledge of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
nations and cultures. If they take interval
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Break
then they can learn more about other cultures and
also
they can learn new languages by visiting various places. It might be
Possible spelling mistake found.
helpfull
in their tertiary education.
Also
, they become
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
multiculturalism and
they can learn beauty of world
as well
as
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
As a result
, it
Did you mean "helps"?
help
in widening the horizons of information. And another reason is improvement of social health and saving of funds. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
take interval
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Break
then they can work and save
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for their work expanses which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
A determiner cannot combine with a possessive pronoun. Did you mean simply "their parents" or "the parents"?
the their parents
financial burden.
Also
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
independent to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
as well
as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
their relationships
Use only "stronger" (without 'more') when you use the comparative.
more stronger
with other family members
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more spare time to spend with them.
However
, on the side of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
improvement.
First
and foremost, they might be
Consider using the past participle "distracted"?
distract
from their studies.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
there concentration power will be reducing and it
also
put adverse effect on their grades.
Secondly
, the wastage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. If they travel then they need large amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and for
Consider adding a comma here.
it
they
This is a collocation error. You do not need a preposition after 'ask'. Remove it: "ask".
ask to
their parents which might be
Consider using the past participle "created"?
create
financial issues in their family. To
Possible spelling mistake found.
canclude
,
even though
, this has more constructive development
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it's
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects can not
be overlooked
, in terms of distraction from studies and wastage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
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IELTS essay In many countries, students take one year break off from their studies after finishing there secondary school education for travel and work. Do you think it is a positive or negative development.

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
316 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
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Lexical Resource: 5.0
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Grammatical Range: 6.0
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Task Achievement: 5.0
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    Present relevant ideas
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