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In many countries people tend to move overseas or move to a different part of their country after their retirement. Discuss why it is so and the outcomes of this situation. Provide specific reasons and examples to support your opinion. v.1

In many countries people tend to move overseas or move to a different part of their country after their retirement. Discuss why it is so and the outcomes of this situation. Provide specific reasons and examples to support your opinion. v. 1
In the majority of countries, retired people prefer to shift to a different place, such as to a new country or to a new state, after the end of their working period. This essay will describe possible reasons and outcomes of it. There are several factors of why people are moving to a different place after their retirement. One of the crucial idea is to explore a whole new place and to enjoy its natural beauty. In other words, while senior people feel tired after spending a long age at one place due to their work at a local place, they do prefer to visit and live in a different environment in their remaining life. For example, it is confirmed in a survey of USA that more than 70% people are migrating to places like a California in their retirement life. Another reason is to be relaxed and to spend upcoming life in less crowded place. People from the older age had spent their entire life in fast life and less crowded area makes them feel relaxed. Thus, mostly retired person is being found in any island or in greenland areas. The result of this situation can be beneficial to the local community and to the senior person himself. Firstly, retired person does not work and they used to spend money for different services while residing in a new place. Therefore, local people can earn money by providing them different facilities such as healthcare. Hence, the economy of the less crowded city will increase and senior citizen can enjoy their benefits too. Secondly, retired people feel more satisfied after moving to a different country or area as they had worked very hard throughout their life to earn this time. Spending own money in leisure activity helps them to recover from the hectic lifestyle that they had lived yet. In conclusion, whereas it is now common among the retired people of many countries to shift to another country because of exploring s new place and settling in less crowded place, it provides great support to the local community and make people feel satisfied too.
In the majority of
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countries
,
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retired
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people
prefer to shift to a
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different
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place
, such as to a
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new
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country
or to a
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new
state, after the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of their working period. This essay will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
describe
possible reasons and outcomes of it.

There are several factors of why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are moving to a
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different
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place
after their retirement. One of the crucial
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
is to explore a whole
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new
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place
and to enjoy its natural beauty.
In other words
, while senior
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people
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feel
tired after spending a long age at one
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place
due to their work at a
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local
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place
, they do prefer to visit and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in a
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different
environment in their remaining
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life
.
For example
, it
is confirmed
in a survey
A determiner is probably missing here: "of the USA".
of USA
that more than 70%
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people
are migrating to
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places
like a California in their retirement
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life
. Another reason is to
be relaxed
and to spend upcoming
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life
in
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less
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crowded
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place
.
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People
from the older age had spent their entire
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life
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
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life
and
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less
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crowded
area
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them
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feel
relaxed.
Thus
,
mostly
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retired
person is
being found
The usual preposition for "island" is "on" not "in". Revise: "on any island".
in any island
or in
Possible spelling mistake found.
greenland
areas.

The result of this situation can be beneficial to the
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local
community and to the senior person himself.
Firstly
,
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retired
person does not
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
work and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to spend money for
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different
services while residing in a
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new
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place
.
Therefore
,
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local
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people
can earn money by providing them
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different
facilities such as healthcare.
Hence
, the economy of the
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less
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crowded
city will increase and senior citizen can enjoy their benefits too.
Secondly
,
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retired
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feel
more satisfied after moving to a
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different
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country
or area as they had worked
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very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
throughout their
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life
to earn this time. Spending
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
money in leisure activity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to recover from the hectic lifestyle that they had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lived
yet
.

In conclusion
, whereas it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
common among the
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retired
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people
of
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many
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countries
to shift to another
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country
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because
of exploring s
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new
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place
and settling in
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less
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crowded
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place
, it provides great support to the
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local
community and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
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people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feel
satisfied too.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
62Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay In many countries people tend to move overseas or move to a different part of their country after their retirement. Discuss why it is so and the outcomes of this situation. Provide specific reasons and examples to support your opinion. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
353 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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