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In countries where there is a high rate of unemployment, most students should be offered only primary education. There is no point in offering secondary education to those who have no hope of finding a job. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

In countries where there is a high rate of unemployment, most students should be offered only primary education. There is no point in offering secondary education to those who have no hope of finding a job. v. 1
Some people are of the opinion that Elementary education should be the peak of learning in countries where there are no job opportunities as continuity to high school is irrelevant. It is disagreed that students should only acquire primary education in countries that are devoid of employment because there might be employment due to development and also secondary education broadens the horizon of students. First of all, global development has brought positive changes in most societies. Today, the world has become a global village with uprising development. To clarify, many years ago, there was no online business, now e-transactions enable people generate money online and with the use of their mobile phone. Therefore, change is constant and education should be continuous for students in order to fit into what development has to offer even though there might be not be jobs. Secondly, high school exposes students to various skills and vocation. Elementary school are not basis to acquire knowledge that can prepare young people for the society. To illustrate, South Africa lacks competent work force today because they never valued secondary education. As a result, labour force is presently occupied by foreigners and South Africans are left with unskilled jobs. Therefore, secondary education is beneficial to the society because it is crucial in broadening the student’s knowledge as well as making right choices in taking up a skill or vocation. In conclusion, it is disagreed that primary education should be the end point of learning in countries with increased unemployment because of recent technological modifications and the benefit of secondary education in helping students in their choice of career.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are of the opinion that Elementary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
should be the peak of learning in countries where there are no job opportunities as continuity to high school is irrelevant. It
is disagreed
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
acquire primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
in countries that are devoid of employment
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there might be employment due to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
and
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
broadens the horizon of students.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, global
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
has brought
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in most societies.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
, the world has become a global village with uprising
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
. To clarify,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
years ago, there was no online business,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
e-transactions enable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
generate money online and with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of their mobile phone.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
is constant and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
should be continuous for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in order to fit into what
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
offer
even though
there might be not
Consider using a past participle here: "been".
be
jobs.

Secondly
, high school exposes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to various
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and vocation. Elementary school are not basis to acquire knowledge that can prepare young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
for the society. To illustrate, South Africa lacks competent work force
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they never valued
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
.
As a result
,
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
force is
presently
occupied by foreigners and South Africans are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
with unskilled jobs.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is beneficial to the society
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is crucial in broadening the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student’s
knowledge
as well
as making right choices in taking up a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
or vocation.

In conclusion
, it
is disagreed
that primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
should be the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
point of learning in countries with increased unemployment
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of recent technological modifications and the benefit of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
in helping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in their choice of career.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay In countries where there is a high rate of unemployment, most students should be offered only primary education. There is no point in offering secondary education to those who have no hope of finding a job. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
269 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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