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In achieving personal happiness, our relationships with family, friends and colleagues are more important than work and wealth. Do you agree or disagree with this?

In achieving personal happiness, our relationships with family, friends and colleagues are more important than work and wealth. with this? k3kO
The increasing pressures of today’s money-driven world can often cause people to gravitate towards material items. However, true personal happiness is rarely achieved through professional endeavours or wealth. Although these things may be nice extras, I agree that healthy relationships with family, friends and colleagues are the true keys to personal happiness. This will be shown by analysing the often lonely lives of many wealthy celebrities as well as the advice of older people who speak from experience. (When the life of a celebrity is analysed it shows that fame, money and the popularity remains in their life temporarily. Majority of the artists suffer from depression and loneliness amidst this popularity. For example, in the recent days numerous artists have killed them selves pointing to these as the reason. Until and unless people have a strong relationship, they consider themselves to be lost and depressed. The older people who have seen majority of the life advises the present generation to value relationships more than anything else in the world. People in the old age home wish that their children would understand the power of relationship when they are running behind fame and money for a happier life ahead, without realising what they are losing at the present moment.
The increasing pressures of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s money-driven world can
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
cause
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to gravitate towards material items.
However
, true personal happiness is rarely achieved through professional
Possible spelling mistake. 'endeavours' is British English.
endeavours
or wealth. Although these things may be nice extras, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationships
with family, friends and colleagues are the true keys to personal happiness. This will
be shown
by
Possible spelling mistake. 'analysing' is British English.
analysing
the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
lonely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
wealthy celebrities
as well
as the advice of older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who speak from experience.

Unpaired symbol: ')' seems to be missing
(
When the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
of a celebrity is
Possible spelling mistake. 'analysed' is British English.
analysed
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that fame, money and the popularity remains in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
temporarily
. Majority of the artists suffer from depression and loneliness amidst this popularity.
For example
, in the recent days numerous artists have killed
Did you mean "themselves"?
them selves
pointing to these as the reason. Until and unless
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have a strong
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationship
, they consider themselves to
be lost
and depressed.

The older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
It seems that an article is missing.
majority of
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
advises the present generation to value
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationships
more than anything else in the world.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
in the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
age home wish that their children would understand the power of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationship
when they are running behind fame and money for a happier
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
ahead, without
Possible spelling mistake. 'realising' is British English.
realising
what they are losing at the present moment.
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IELTS essay In achieving personal happiness, our relationships with family, friends and colleagues are more important than work and wealth. with this?

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
208 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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