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In a public-funded hospital, people who are willing to pay more for better and faster healthcare should be able to do so. To what extend do you agree?

In a public-funded hospital, people who are willing to pay more for better and faster healthcare should be able to do so. ndwkE
Public-funded hospitals occupy a major proportion of healthcare system. However, it is usually argued that people who can pay more to avail a faster and better treatment should be encouraged, in a public-funded hospital. However, I completely disagree with this, due to the fact that this can lead to various problems, such as bias in the quality of care and unavailability of appropriate treatment. To begin with, partiality in healthcare based on the financial status of the patients can be a huge disadvantage in the healthcare system. As richer patients would be able to afford more, they would be treated differently than the others. This will not only lead to fast tracking the normal waiting time but also will lead to difference in treatment provided. Sadly, various factors, such as drugs, bed-side care, nursing care, are delivered according to the amount of money a patient can spend. Moreover, this is the primary reason why there is a huge difference in the quality of care between general and private wards. A recent report showed that, the mortality rate in general wards is around 20% higher than that of private wards, in a same hospital. Clearly, this difference in care can be attributed to the difference in financial status between the two groups. Secondly, when a richer patient bypasses the normal workflow (fast-tracking) in the hospital, it creates a seamless delay in the treatment of other patients. Unfortunately, these can deter someone who deserves, from receiving the appropriate care. Hospitals in general have limited resources, such as the number of MRI machine, X ray machine and ICU beds. The approximate time an MRI machine takes to process a scan is around 45 minutes. And there are instances, where someone who needs to get the scan first, as he/she was higher in the priority due to an emergency condition was denied, due to another elective non-emergency patient who paid a higher amount for the same scan. This is a huge disadvantage to this system and can even result in deaths. In conclusion, I strongly believe that, stratifying healthcare according to the financial status of the patients in a public-funded hospital to avail faster and better care should not be allowed. As this can cause partiality in the quality of care and unavailability of appropriate treatment.
Public-funded
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hospitals
occupy a major proportion of healthcare system.
However
, it is
usually
argued that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
can pay more to avail a faster and better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
treatment
should
be encouraged
, in a public-funded
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hospital
.
However
, I completely disagree with this, due to the fact that this can lead to various problems, such as bias in the quality of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
and unavailability of appropriate treatment.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, partiality in healthcare based on the financial status of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
patients
can be a huge disadvantage in the healthcare system. As richer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
patients
would be able to afford more, they would
be treated
differently
than the others. This will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
lead to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
tracking the normal waiting time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
will lead to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
difference
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
treatment
provided.
Sadly
, various factors, such as drugs, bed-side
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
, nursing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
,
are delivered
according to the amount of money a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
patient
can spend.
Moreover
, this is the primary reason why there is a huge
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
difference
in the quality of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
between general and private wards. A recent report
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that, the mortality rate
in general
wards is around 20% higher than that of private wards, in a same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hospital
.
Clearly
, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
difference
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
can
be attributed
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
difference
in financial status between the two groups.

Secondly
, when a richer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
patient
bypasses the normal workflow (
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
-tracking) in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hospital
, it creates a seamless delay in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
treatment
of other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
patients
. Unfortunately, these can deter someone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
deserves, from receiving the appropriate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Hospitals
in general
have limited resources, such as the number of MRI machine,
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
X ray
machine and ICU beds. The approximate time an MRI machine takes to process a scan is around 45 minutes. And there are instances, where someone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
needs to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the scan
first
, as he/she was higher in the priority due to an emergency condition
was denied
, due to another elective non-emergency
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
patient
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
paid a higher amount for the same scan. This is a huge disadvantage to this system and can even result in deaths.

In conclusion
, I
strongly
believe that, stratifying healthcare according to the financial status of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
patients
in a public-funded
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hospital
to avail faster and better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
should not be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
. As this can cause partiality in the quality of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
and unavailability of appropriate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
treatment
.
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IELTS essay In a public-funded hospital, people who are willing to pay more for better and faster healthcare should be able to do so.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
382 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
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