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If you had a chance, would you like to change something in your hometown?

If you had a chance, would you like to change something in your hometown? 5AE5m
I think I would like to change their attitude to education which I believe will be a huge transformation for all individuals' lives as well as society. In light of the fact that a civilized nation then each single citizen has knowledge. So, education change will make for a nation change from that the country will have quality human resources to help change society and people's lives. For example, H’Hen Niê, who took on the top 5 Miss Universe, the biggest beauty pageant in the world, is clearly proof about education. In front of a poor family, when she was 15 years old her parents talked her into marriage, but no, her choice was education. From nothing, now, she is one of the most influential people who has influence on young people. Especially, thanks to her education, her and her family's life has become better.
I
think
I would like to
change
their attitude to
education
which I believe will be a huge transformation for all individuals'
lives
as well
as society. In light of the fact that a civilized nation then each single citizen has knowledge.
So
,
education
change
will
make
for a nation
change
from that the country will have quality human resources to
help
change
society and
people
's
lives
.
For example
, H’Hen
Niê
, who took on the top 5 Miss Universe, the biggest beauty pageant in the world, is
clearly
proof about
education
. In front of a poor family, when she was 15 years
old
her parents talked her into marriage,
but
no, her choice was
education
. From nothing,
now
, she is one of the most influential
people
who
has
influence on young
people
.
Especially
, thanks to her
education
, her and her family's life has become better.
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IELTS essay If you had a chance, would you like to change something in your hometown?

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
145 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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    Currently is not available
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