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If we want to save the future of the planet, we will have to drastically change our way of life. What is your opinion? v.3

If we want to save the future of the planet, we will have to drastically change our way of life. What is your opinion? v. 3
The arts and sport play an integral role in providing entertainment. There are those who believe that the government must prioritize allocation of finances to motivate the progression of art and sport for school children than extending support for professional sport and art events for enthusiasts. Although helping professional sports and place or musical events have a benefit, I am of opinion that the country's administration should focus more on encouraging the enhancement of sport and art among students because of the reasons explained in the essay. On one hand, focusing more on funding art exhibitions and athletic championships is helpful, because it will keep them alive. Many artists and players are on the blink of discontinuing it, because it is no longer popular among the spectators, and therefore, by supporting these dying arts, the government will prevent it from disappearing altogether. For example, the traditional Kabadi and seashell art of South India is obsolete, as they did not receive the funds they needed. Hence, if the Indians had sponsored these arts and sports, they would have averted situation. On the other hand, if monetary support is provided for the improvement of sport and art at school, the popularity in deserves will be attained. With the advent of the Internet and globalization, the local athletics and art performances are becoming less known. So, if the education board introduces it as a compulsory module, it is likely to increase the exposure of it to the young ones and thereby, popularizing it gradually. For instance, the Kung Fu in China suffered a lot in the 80s but it regained its position when it was introduced as a course in the school by Jung woo province. Thus, in order to create awareness, it is indispensable to adopt the aforementioned step. In conclusion, while sponsoring the drama and sporting championship is fruitful for keeping it in existence, I believe that investing on the improvement plan is more viable, because it will pave way for the establishment of the died out art and sport.
The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
play an integral role in providing entertainment. There are those who believe that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
prioritize allocation of finances to motivate the progression of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
for school children than extending support for professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
for enthusiasts. Although helping professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and place or musical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
have a benefit, I am of opinion that the country's administration should focus more on encouraging the enhancement of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
among students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the reasons
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
in the essay.

On one hand, focusing more on funding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
exhibitions and athletic championships is helpful,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
them alive.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
artists and players are on the blink of discontinuing it,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is no longer popular among the spectators, and
therefore
, by supporting these dying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
it from disappearing altogether.
For example
, the traditional
Possible spelling mistake found.
Kabadi
and seashell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
of South India is obsolete, as they did not receive the funds they needed.
Hence
, if the Indians had sponsored these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
, they would have averted situation.

On the other hand
, if monetary support
is provided
for the improvement of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
at school, the popularity in deserves will
be attained
. With the advent of the Internet and globalization, the local athletics and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
performances are becoming less known.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, if the education board introduces it as a compulsory module, it is likely to increase the exposure of it to the young ones and thereby, popularizing it
gradually
.
For instance
, the
Possible spelling mistake found.
Kung
Possible spelling mistake found.
Fu
in China suffered a lot in the 80s
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it regained its position when it
was introduced
as a course in the school by Jung woo province.
Thus
, in order to create awareness, it is indispensable to adopt the aforementioned step.

In conclusion
, while sponsoring the drama and sporting championship is fruitful for keeping it in existence, I believe that investing on the improvement plan is more viable,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it will pave way for the establishment of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
out
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
The limits of my language mean the limits of my world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay If we want to save the future of the planet, we will have to drastically change our way of life. What is your opinion? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
339 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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