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If school has limited funding, it should spend money on sports

If school has limited funding, it should spend money on sports PEDKg
School is a place where students prepare themselves for adult lives both intellectually and emotionally. Of course, sports, arts and volunteering are the good ways to achieve the goal. But these means all deserve financial support from the school authority. When the funding is limited and only one of them can be funded, I would definitely go for sports. First of all, this policy can bring numerous benefits to students. Everybody knows working out is good for both body and mind. During schooldays students have been used to a sedentary lifestyle, which has been linked with an increased risk of obesity and depression. But what if they are now encouraged to attend extracurricular activities like hockey, soccer, gymnastics, swimming, karate and so on? Besides being more energetic and athletic, they can also experience the joy of cooperation and competition. Plus, sports activities provide a temporary escape, enabling children to take their mind off study for a while and then go back to schoolwork refreshed. According a recent survey, kids who exercise 30 minutes a day five times a week, enjoy better overall brain health, reduced stress, increased creativity and clearer thinking. And the school itself is another beneficiary. It is because athletics is a great way to draw attention to a school. When schools get attention, they also get funding. This can be a big deal for schools since private donors determines how much can be invested in scholarships, facilities, and paying top professors. Therefore, the more weight a school lays to its sports programs, the more potential athletic stars it will produce, and the more potential donors it will attract. Besides, notable alumni also lend their names to a school. Knowing that Michael Jordan went to Laney High School will encourage many other aspiring basketball players to apply there. This school will get to choose the most promising ones, thus continuing the legacy of its fame. Sure, arts and volunteering do benefit students in their own way. Arts can promote students’ appreciation for beauty and volunteer jobs help children show more tolerance and empathy to people around. But the fact is, arts makes little sense unless it is comprehended based on a certain level of passion and interest. High schoolers who are normally drawn to pop cultures wouldn’t necessarily gain much from ancient paintings and sculptures. As for volunteering, community service has already covered such activities, which means schools can divert funds to more needed projects. So if the authority has to tighten its grip on funding the campus activities, arts and volunteering can be crossed off the priority list. To sum up, I’m not saying arts and volunteering are less important, but with limited school funds, sports can be a more effective way to put that money into good use.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
School
is a place where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
prepare themselves for adult
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
both
intellectually
and
emotionally
.
Of course
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
volunteering
are the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
ways to achieve the goal.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
these means all deserve financial support from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
authority. When the funding
is limited
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
one of them can
be funded
, I would definitely go for sports.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, this policy can bring numerous benefits to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. Everybody knows working out is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for both body and mind. During schooldays
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
have been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to a sedentary lifestyle, which has
been linked
with an increased
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of obesity and depression.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
what if they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
encouraged to attend extracurricular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
like hockey, soccer, gymnastics, swimming, karate and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on?
Besides
being more energetic and athletic, they can
also
experience the joy of cooperation and competition. Plus,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
provide a temporary escape, enabling children to take their mind off study for a while and then go back to schoolwork refreshed.
It appears that a preposition is missing after 'According'.
According a
recent survey, kids who exercise 30 minutes a day five times a week, enjoy better
overall
brain health,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
, increased creativity and clearer thinking.

And the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
itself is another beneficiary. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
athletics is a great way to draw attention to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
attention, they
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
funding. This can be a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
deal for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
since private donors determines how much can
be invested
in scholarships, facilities, and paying top professors.
Therefore
, the more weight a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
lays to its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
programs, the more potential athletic stars it will produce, and the more potential donors it will attract.
Besides
, notable alumni
also
lend their names to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. Knowing that Michael Jordan went to
Possible spelling mistake found.
Laney
High
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
School
will encourage
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other aspiring basketball players to apply there. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to choose the most promising ones,
thus
continuing the legacy of its fame.

Sure,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
volunteering
do benefit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
way.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Arts
can promote
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
appreciation for beauty and volunteer jobs
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
more tolerance and empathy to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
around.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
the fact is,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
sense unless it
is comprehended
based on a certain level of passion and interest. High schoolers who are
normally
drawn to pop cultures wouldn’t
necessarily
gain much from ancient paintings and sculptures. As for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
volunteering
, community service has already covered such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
, which means
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
can divert funds to more needed projects.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
if the authority
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
tighten its grip on funding the campus
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
volunteering
can
be crossed
off the priority list.

To sum up, I’m not saying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
volunteering
are less
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
with limited
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
funds,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
can be a more effective way to put that money into
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
.
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IELTS essay If school has limited funding, it should spend money on sports

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
462 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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