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IELTS essay, topic: the development of technology causes traditional skills to die out, agree or disagree? v.1

IELTS essay, topic: the development of technology causes traditional skills to die out, agree or disagree? v. 1
It is very important for every country to adapt new advancement in technology. Some people believe that recent technology takes away people from their traditional way of living while other think that it is crucial to be part of advanced technology. I strongly agree that it is easy to loose your traditional living style by acquiring new technology. This essay will explain my reasons for this thought. First of all I think that it is very important for a culture and nationality to keep their own way of living. With new advancement people stop practicing their native way of living. For example mobile phones are a new invention which is almost a necessity for everyone now a days. Although it has its benefits but it has taken away our traditional way of meeting each other. There seemed to be less and less communication between family members even. In my country it used to be a fun activity for all family members to sit in the evening and share all experiences for day. Parents used to know their kids and children get wisdom from parents. But now every one has cell phones and their communication is by texting mostly. Sometimes four people sitting in one room can be on their phones with out talking each other for hours and hours. So it is important to keep our cultural values alive, there should be more verbal communication and appropriate use of cell phones. In the same way other recent advancement has effected mankind so abruptly that their culture has been lost. For example with invention of television people are spending their time on watching movies and shows. People used to read stories and watch live shows. There used to be cultural shows in theaters where many people go and spend their leisure time. That was a best way of entertainment along with connecting with friends and family. Story telling was a big event for kids. They used to sit with elders to hear interesting stories. But now TV and internet is very popular and children like to watch movies. Traditional games has been replaced by video games. Kids like to sit all day in front of TV and internet to play online games. This changed attitude has effected health of new generation. Obesity and medical problems like heart diseases are very common. In summery, although technology is very important for development of a country, but it is very crucial for a nation to keep its identity. It is important to adapt new ways of living in moderation so that our new generation do not forget their roots.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
for every country to adapt
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
advancement in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that recent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
takes away
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
way of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is crucial to be part of advanced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
. I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that it is easy to
Did you mean "lose" (= miss, waste, suffer the loss etc.)?
loose
your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
style by acquiring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
. This essay will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
my reasons for this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
for a culture and nationality to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
way of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
. With
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
advancement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
practicing their native way of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
.
For example
mobile phones are a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
invention which is almost a necessity for everyone
Did you mean "nowadays"?
now a days
. Although it has its benefits
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it has taken away our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
way of meeting each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
. There seemed to be less and less communication between family members even. In my country it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to be a fun activity for all family members to sit in the evening and share all experiences for day. Parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to know their kids and children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
wisdom from parents.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
every one has cell phones and their communication is by texting
mostly
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
four
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
sitting in one room can be on their phones
This word is usually written together. Did you mean "without"?
with out
talking each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
for hours and hours.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
it is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
our cultural values alive, there should be more verbal communication and appropriate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of cell phones.

In the same way
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
recent advancement has effected mankind
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
abruptly
that their culture has
been lost
.
For example
with invention of television
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are spending their time on watching movies and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to read stories and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
. There
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to be cultural
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
in theaters where
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
go and spend their leisure time. That was
Use "the" with the superlative.
a
best way of entertainment along with connecting with friends and family. Story telling was a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
for kids. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to sit with elders to hear interesting stories.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
TV and internet is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
popular and children like to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
movies.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Traditional
games has
been replaced
by video games. Kids like to sit all day in front of TV and internet to play online games. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
attitude has effected health of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
generation. Obesity and medical problems like heart diseases are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
common.

In summery, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
for development of a country,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
crucial for a nation to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
its identity. It is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
to adapt
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
ways of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
in moderation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
generation do not forget their roots.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
37Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay IELTS essay, topic: the development of technology causes traditional skills to die out, agree or disagree? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
435 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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