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I believe most fans start adoring

I believe most fans start adoring Lbrwr
I believe most fans start adoring an athlete or a sportsman due to the spectacular performance he or she shows. Thus football magicians like Cristiano Ronaldo or Lionel Messi have several million fans and many of them started idolising them without knowing them personally. However, when these youths start following their favourite sportsmen or athletes, they sometimes follow them blindly. Thus considering the impact, famous sports personality should always try to lead exemplary lives as thousands of others mimic them. They are also famous and the media is always watching them. Any bad conduct can bring controversy to their fame and they should try to become better role models for youths as it is a social and moral responsibility for any celebrity.
I believe most fans
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
adoring an athlete or a sportsman due to the spectacular performance he or she
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
football magicians like Cristiano Ronaldo or Lionel Messi have several million fans and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
Possible spelling mistake. 'idolising' is British English.
idolising
them without knowing them
personally
.
However
, when these youths
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
following their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
sportsmen or athletes, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
follow them
blindly
.
Thus
considering the impact,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
sports personality should always try to lead exemplary
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
as thousands of others mimic them. They are
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
and the media is always watching them. Any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
conduct can bring controversy to their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
fame and
they should try to become better role models for youths as it is a social and moral responsibility for any celebrity.
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IELTS essay I believe most fans start adoring

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
122 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
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