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The development of society is matching towards the globalized world where some individuals think that job fulfillment is very important than job security while others peope believe that permanent job is more important In this essay. I'll discuss both views and give my opinion To begin with people believed that job satisfaction is the most important than job security because if a person is happy with their job they will give their 100% effort towards their work. Moreover if a person is not satisfied with their job they always have some regrets in their life for not having their interest in their job. For instance, the research commissioned by Kathmandu post in 2019 revealed the fact that the huge number of people who had done job with their interest are uplifted than people who are not satisfied with their work. If people who do their job according to their aim do not need any job security. On the other hand, permanent job is very important because if people who are sure about their long term job they will always do better wr on their work than having a temporary job which makes people stress about searching for next job. Moreover, in permanent job it will increase their post and according to that post they will also increase their payment. As a result, according to the survey of Nepal in 2018 police who are doing their job continuously their post has been increasing. In my opinion, both argument have their merits. On the balance, however, I tend to believe that job satisfaction will have more positive impact because people should always focus on their interest.
The development of society is matching towards the globalized world where
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
fulfillment is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
Use "(important)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
important


than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
security while others
Possible spelling mistake found.
peope
believe

that permanent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
In this essay. I'll discuss both views and give my
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
opinion


To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believed that

job satisfaction is the most
Use "(important)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
important
than

job security
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
if a person is happy

with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
they will give their

100% effort towards their work.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Moreover
if a person is not satisfied with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
they always have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
regrets in their life for not having their interest in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
For instance
, the research commissioned by Kathmandu
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
post
in 2019 revealed the fact that the huge number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
had done
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
with their interest
are uplifted
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are not satisfied with their work.
“If” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
do their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
according to their aim do not need any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
security.

On the other hand
, permanent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are sure about their long term
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
they will always do better
Possible spelling mistake found.
wr
on their work than having a temporary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
about searching for
next
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
Moreover
, in permanent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
it will increase their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
post
and according to that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
post
they will
also
increase their payment.
As a result
, according to the survey of Nepal in 2018 police
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are doing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
continuously
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
post
has been increasing.

In my opinion, both argument have their merits. On the balance,
however
, I tend to believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
satisfaction will have more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should always focus on their interest.
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IELTS essay http: //testbig. com/ielts-writing-task-ii-ielts-academic-essays/some-people-think-job-satisfaction-more-important-job

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
274 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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