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How might having a lot of money make people happy? What other things in life can make people happy?

How might having a lot of money make people happy? What other things in life can make people happy? GMJkg
It is often argued that the immigration becomes a good chance to settle down as starting the second life. Some people might think that inhabitants must respect the native rules when they begin to stay in a new nation. In my opinion, although following the culture of new country is required, I strongly disagree with the idea. This essay will address the perspective of immigration. First of all, new inhabitants should stay up to not lose their identity. When people settle down to a new country, they might think proud of their cultures because immigration does not mean to throw away their own position. For example, they teach their children about own customs and traditions to continue the next generation because maintaining culture is to keep the identity as an immigrant. Moreover, they might suffer the mental disease when it comes to following new customs. In other words, when immigrants intend the traditions of the new country, they might be going to be weak mentally due to the conflict of the cultural differences. For instance, when they struggle the rules to choose, their mentality might be confused and it leads some mental disease such as depression and homesick because they have to choose the rules which is complicated. Therefore, this phenomenon would deteriorate their new life with mental conflict. In conclusion, in spite of the fact that respecting native customs and traditions are necessary, we need to encourage immigrants to hold their own cultures. And also, they must stand up to be proud of themselves for their new life.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued that the immigration becomes a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
chance to settle down as starting the second life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that inhabitants
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
respect the native
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
to stay in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
nation. In my opinion, although following the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
country
is required
, I
strongly
disagree with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
. This essay will address the perspective of immigration.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
inhabitants should stay up to not lose their identity. When
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
settle down to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
country, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
proud of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
immigration does not mean to throw away their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
position.
For example
, they teach their children about
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
customs and traditions to continue the
next
generation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
maintaining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
is to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
the identity as an immigrant.

Moreover
, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
suffer the mental disease when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to following
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
customs.
In other words
, when immigrants intend the traditions of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
country, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
be going to be weak mentally due to the conflict of the cultural differences.
For instance
, when they struggle the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
to choose, their mentality
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
be confused
and it leads
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
mental disease such as depression and homesick
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
choose the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
which
is complicated
.
Therefore
, this phenomenon would deteriorate their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
life with mental conflict.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
the fact that respecting native customs and traditions are necessary, we need to encourage immigrants to hold their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
. And
also
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
stand up to be proud of themselves for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
life.
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IELTS essay How might having a lot of money make people happy? What other things in life can make people happy?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
259 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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