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hello it's me im wonder what im doing here

hello it's me im wonder what im doing here BwG2p
In recent eras, aging has become a concern with people all around the world. A number of individuals are willing to continue their job even after having reached their retirement age. While there are several drawbacks of this aspect, I believe that its benefits are outweighed those detrimental effects. On the one hand, continuing to work despite having reached retirement age has a number of adverse consequences on aged. From general perspective, this phenomenon can lead to an undesirably more competitive employment market. For instance, elderly candidates, who have more hands-on experience, compete with younger one for their position of employment can lead to the age discrimination in one organization. If a considerable number of works are taken accountability by the seniors, there will be fewer opportunities for young generation who want to have stayed able job and chance to make advance in working. As a result, numerous of youngster must leave off their job. However, in spite of the drawbacks, the advantages of the allowing aged people to continue their career should be noticeable. From individuals level, continuing to work after their limited age is an appropriate opportunity for aged to improve their mental health and prevent from disease. To be specific, working can help their brains active positively consequently that they can prevent from a number of problems relevant to brain disorders such as Alzheimer, which can lead to a better retire life. For family’s benefit, elderly can make a contribution to family’s finance, which decrease the heavy of finance burden for their kids. This typical situation has become familiar with a number of family in developing countries such as Vietnam, where kids depend on their parental support in money to work or caring their children. In conclusion, although this phenomenon may bring pressure on working environment, it has beneficial consequences for both individuals and their family in some situation.
In recent eras, aging has become a concern with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
all around the world. A
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of individuals are willing to continue their job even after having reached their retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
. While there are several drawbacks of this aspect, I believe that its benefits
are outweighed
those detrimental effects.

On the one hand, continuing to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
despite having reached retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
has a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of adverse consequences on aged. From general perspective, this phenomenon can lead to an
undesirably
more competitive employment market.
For instance
, elderly candidates, who have more hands-on experience, compete with younger one for their position of employment can lead to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
discrimination in one organization. If a considerable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of works
are taken
accountability by the seniors, there will be fewer opportunities for young generation who want to have stayed able job and chance to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
advance in working.
As a result
, numerous of youngster
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
off their job.

However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
the drawbacks, the advantages of the allowing aged
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to continue their career should be noticeable. From individuals level, continuing to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
after their limited
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
is an appropriate opportunity for aged to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their mental health and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
from disease. To be specific, working can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
their brains active
positively
consequently
that they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
from a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of problems relevant to brain disorders such as Alzheimer, which can lead to a better retire life. For
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family’s
benefit, elderly can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a contribution to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family’s
finance, which decrease the heavy of finance burden for their kids. This typical situation has become familiar with a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
such as Vietnam, where kids depend on their parental support in money to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
or caring their children.

In conclusion
, although this phenomenon may bring pressure on working environment, it has beneficial consequences for both individuals and their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
situation.
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IELTS essay hello it's me im wonder what im doing here

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
312 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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