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happiness no longer exists in their mental lives of the young people. what is reasons and solution?

happiness no longer exists in their mental lives of the young people. what is reasons and solution? Og9aj
In this day and age, Juveniles have both wealth and higher security as well as good fitness in their lives. However, happiness no longer exists in their mental lives. this essay will discuss the reasons for this issue, which address several solutions to tackle it. On the one hand, it is undeniable that people immerse themselves in a burning desire to earn money in the materialistic world, which may be accompanied by pressure and depression. For instance, young people have fancy for chasing both higher education and well-paid jobs. Consequently, they are snowed under with the power of money and ignore the importance of happiness in their lives. Moreover, having affluence and good health does not mean reaching more joyfulness because they are affected by the domination of money. Nowadays, there are more and more extended families in comparison with nuclear ones in the past. As a result, The young may ignore their role in families and they can not build a close-knit relationship with each other. On the other hand, some solutions will be indicated to handle this issue. To begin with, Youth should take time into consideration, which means have an appropriate allocation of time for their duties. For instance, in place of setting aside much time to work or study, they need to have more gathering dinner with their parents or enjoy tea time with their friends. Moreover, it is better to balance between materialistic life and emotional life. Specifically, the juveniles should control both money they earn with the satisfaction in life they have by paying visits to some famous tourist attractions with their beloved ones or doing some voluntary campaign to help impoverished people, etc. In conclusion, it is unquestionable that the youth have more money with higher security as well as good fitness. However, they should consider their happiness in life besides these factors in order to have the perfect life.
In this day and age, Juveniles have both wealth and higher security
as well
as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
fitness in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
However
, happiness no longer exists in their mental
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
this
essay will discuss the reasons for this issue, which address several solutions to tackle it.

On the one hand, it is undeniable that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
immerse themselves in a burning desire to earn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
in the materialistic world, which may
be accompanied
by pressure and depression.
For instance
, young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have fancy for chasing both higher education and well-paid jobs.
Consequently
, they
are snowed
under with the power of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
the importance of happiness in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
Moreover
, having affluence and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
health does not mean reaching more joyfulness
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by the domination of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. Nowadays, there are more and more extended families
in comparison
with nuclear ones in the past.
As a result
, The young may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
their role in
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
families and
they can not build a close-knit relationship with each other.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
solutions will
be indicated
to handle this issue. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, Youth should take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
into consideration, which means have an appropriate allocation of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for their duties.
For instance
, in place of setting aside much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to work or study, they need to have more gathering dinner with their parents or enjoy tea
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their friends.
Moreover
, it is better to balance between materialistic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
and emotional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
Specifically
, the juveniles should control both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
they earn with the satisfaction in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
they have by paying visits to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
tourist attractions with their beloved ones or doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
voluntary campaign to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
impoverished
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, etc.

In conclusion
, it is unquestionable that the youth have more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
with higher security
as well
as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
fitness.
However
, they should consider their happiness in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
besides
these factors in order to have the perfect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
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IELTS essay happiness no longer exists in their mental lives of the young people. what is reasons and solution?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
317 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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